Us and Eamon

Blog Relocation!

2009-05-21T14:47:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited to finally be up and running on Wordpress.

Please come visit me there from now on: http://weofme.wordpress.com/.

It's the same exact blog, but with a much-needed facelift and name change. I'll still probably play with the design. Down the road.

I know at one point I'd talked about retiring this blog and starting a super impersonal one, but I decided not to go that route. Blogging is too much of an outlet for me, and I would be so, so limited in what I could say if our families knew about the blog. I might start one for them that's just pictures and quick baby updates.

See you on Wordpress!

Yesterday

2009-05-19T20:21:00.004-05:00

It started at 4:40, when E woke up and refused to let us put him back down. He was hurting. His canines. Getting him to bed the last several nights has been difficult (multiple bouts of rocking and crying), which is unusual for him. He's also woken up mid-nap a few times and needed Tylenol.

Later yesterday morning (it was a long morning) I scared myself by falling on the stairs. I was carrying a huge basket of laundry, and E was downstairs on the other side of the gate, waiting for me. I fell down a couple of stairs and landed on the landing on my knees and one of my feet jammed into the baseboard. I started sobbing immediately for some reason even though I wasn't seriously hurt. E thought I was laughing, so he started laughing the laugh he does when he wants to be in on the joke but doesn't know what's funny, until I came down the stairs. He stopped laughing as soon as he saw me, and a look of grave concern came over his face. He watched me closely and hugged me. He is so sweet, that one.

After nap we were playing outside when I realized he was poopy, so I changed him on our new changing table downstairs, but then realized the diaper cream was upstairs. He's had a terrible diaper rash that was even bleeding yesterday morning, so I wanted to be sure and put cream on his bum. I put him down to run around naked while I ran upstairs to get the cream. You can probably guess what happened: Came back down the stairs and found him frozen in the kitchen with a huge pile of soft poo on the floor behind him and a puddle of pee on the floor in front of him. He didn't know what was going on or what to do. Up until now he's been completely oblivious to all things potty related, although he did ask me two days ago to take his diaper off so he could sit on his potty. I think he'd seen one of the co-op girls doing this; I don't think he's realized the purpose of it yet. Anyway, yeah, cleaning up a steaming pile of shit from the kitchen floor was a first for me. I'm just glad I succeeded in keeping him from running his vacuum through it. It was a close call, as we both apparently had a lot of cleaning to do.

A bit later, before bedtime, I was checking email before reading to him and he was behind me with an empty bottle of Motrin (which he loves to play with), a half-full bottle (which had the childproof cap on), and his little medicine cup. I swear I don't usually let him have an un-empty bottle, but he was going to bed in a few minutes, and it wasn't worth the battle to keep it from him (I thought). I just didn't think there was any way he could get the cap off. We both pretended to pour and sip the medicine and smack our lips, and then I turned back to my computer. Soon thereafter it dawned on me that he'd gotten very quiet, and then I realized that he'd uttered a gleeful, triumphant sound a few seconds before. I turned around and he was standing there with a giant grin on his face and two empty bottles of Motrin. I looked down and the carpet was covered in purple goo, as was the front of his shirt. It took me a minute to realize that he'd probably swallowed some himself before dumping it. And I'd already given him a teaspoon. I wasn't too worried, to be honest, but I wanted to call Poison Control anyway. They were super nice (and even called back this morning to check in). Turns out he could've swallowed an entire bottle and been fine. Good to know. Needless to say, he slept like a rock last night.

So, those were the day's highlights. Which I really didn't have time to just write out. But oh well.
It wasn't a bad day at all (and we had a great time at the park in the morning), it was just long and . . . eventful.

Letting go of insecurities

2009-05-17T20:48:00.003-05:00

On Friday morning we had some new friends over, and E and I had a great time. It was actually our first time ever having a one-on-one playdate here at our house with someone we met through the Austin Mamas. It was so nice talking to this mama and being around her sweet little girl, and I'm glad we got together. I've been a bit insecure about having people over, partly because we live kinda far out (for some people), and partly because I've been to several of the mamas' houses, and they're really nice. But you know what I realized? My house is nice too. Nice enough, anyway. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. So we don't live in a hip neighborhood--who gives a shit. And who cares if other people have nicer houses. This is ours, and I'm thankful for it, and it's fun having people over. I've decided to apply this philosophy to other areas of life as well--it's liberating.

2009-05-17T20:27:00.004-05:00

E with his friend Clay and Clay's baby sister, Cebe, last week.

This Morning with E

2009-05-14T20:12:00.004-05:00

E had I had such a nice moment this morning. We don't usually go outside before we head out for the morning, but it was lovely out (not oppressively hot yet the way it's been in the afternoons lately), and we had time to kill, so I opened the sliding door. We sat side by side on the back steps for a long time, sharing a huge bunch of grapes, talking to Squeaky, and watching a cardinal dart from fence to tree and back again, singing happily. The sun lit up patches of grass through the trees and the grapes broke sweetly between our teeth. It felt right and good to be together. My first baby, my love.

Two (very different) poems on Mother's Day

2009-05-10T14:05:00.002-05:00

TO MY MOTHER
by Wendell Berry

I was your rebellious son,
do you remember? Sometimes
I wonder if you do remember,
so complete has your forgiveness been.

So complete has your forgiveness been
I wonder sometimes if it did not
precede my wrong, and I erred,
safe found, within your love,

prepared ahead of me, the way home,
or my bed at night, so that almost
I should forgive you, who perhaps
foresaw the worst that I might do,

and forgave before I could act,
causing me to smile now, looking back,
to see how paltry was my worst,
compared to your forgiveness of it

already given. And this, then,
is the vision of that Heaven of which
we have heard, where those who love
each other have forgiven each other,

where, for that, the leaves are green,
the light a music in the air,
and all is unentangled,
and all is undismayed.

"To My Mother" by Wendell Berry, from Entries. © Pantheon Books, 1994.
_________________________

DANGEROUS ASTRONOMY

by Sherman Alexie

I wanted to walk outside and praise the stars,
But David, my baby son, coughed and coughed.
His comfort was more important than the stars

So I comforted and kissed him in his dark
Bedroom, but my comfort was not enough.
His mother was more important than the stars

So he cried for her breast and milk. It's hard
For fathers to compete with mothers' love.
In the dark, mothers illuminate like the stars!

Dull and jealous, I was the smallest part
Of the whole. I know this is stupid stuff
But I felt less important than the farthest star

As my wife fed my son in the hungry dark.
How can a father resent his son and his son's love?
Was my comfort more important than the stars?

A selfish father, I wanted to pull apart
My comfortable wife and son. Forgive me, Rough
God, because I walked outside and praised the stars,
And thought I was more important than the stars.

So, the verdict is in . . .

2009-05-07T22:00:00.002-05:00

And it looks like we're having a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

Holy shit. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. More soon.

Mama, Ma, Ma, MAMA

2009-05-06T14:54:00.003-05:00

For the first time ever, E called me by name from his room this morning after he woke up and had played awhile. It was awesome. I've actually been looking forward to this for about a year for some reason.

Cool.

Climbing and Hitting and Growing Up

2009-05-05T20:09:00.005-05:00

TJ's away again, this time in New York. But just for two days. E really misses his dad and asks about him all the time. "Dad-dy? Dad-dy? Dad-dy?" It's so, so sweet. He's really into Daddy these days.

So, he climbed onto a kitchen chair (and then practically onto the table) tonight for the first time ever. There's no going back now, this much is clear.

He's obsessed with playing in the sweltering parked car these days, and as a result we were both super hot and sweaty tonight, and I decided to just take a bath with him before having dinner. It was so refreshing to mix up the routine. I took a bath with him last week for the first time since he was a tiny baby and he was totally ambivalent about it (I was imagining him loving it for some reason), but this time he knew the drill and there was less of a feeling of "Dude, you're taking up my space to play," and more of a "You do your thing and I'll do mine." There was a little curiosity about my body, but almost not as much as when I'm just changing clothes or going to the bathroom with him near me.

Speaking of curiosity, he's started hitting me sometimes when I'm holding him and he's annoyed/angry/frustrated. Yikes, major change. He's also less gentle with my breasts all of sudden. Ever since he was weaned he asks to see the boobies several times a day, and he touches them ever so gently and lays his head lovingly on my belly or chest. But in the past couple of days when he's asked to see boobies, he hasn't been gentle at all. Booby time may be drawing to a close.

I was watching him building with some blocks earlier when he didn't know I was watching, and I was just so aware of the fact that he's not a baby anymore. He has his own opinions and desires, and they're separate and often in conflict with what I'm trying to direct him to do. It's such a difference from the baby who you kiss without being pushed away, and who's content to be toted along with you wherever you go. But there's also something beautiful about seeing this little independent person emerge out of the baby you cared for so completely (and still care for completely). It brings up this strange mixture of pride and wonder and sadness and excitement.

Weekend Recap

2009-05-04T15:21:00.004-05:00

We had such a good weekend. It was a nice balance of social activities and productivity, both of which can be a challenge for us sometimes. We actually could've used some more down time, but whatev. It's better than too much down time, which is usually what happens (and what I always think I want, but I'm realizing that's a mistake).

Anyway, on Saturday we went to the Palmer Events Center for the annual Celebration of Families, sponsored by the fabulous F.amily Connections. It was so much fun. We ran into quite a few people we know, and we saw the Biscuit Brothers up close and personal (I couldn't believe it; yes, I was starstruck--ridiculous), and then later we caught some of their show before we had to leave. They were fantastic. E also had fun playing with a giant balloon, watching a clown and Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was terrified of Clifford, actually), and outside they had a petting zoo that blew his mind. He was walking around with ducks and sheep and rabbits--none of which he's ever seen in real life before. I couldn't STAND that I forgot the camera.

Afterward we had lunch at Katz's Deli, complete with fried pickles. We were closing in on E's naptime, but for once we weren't slaves to our schedule.

Saturday evening I worked at the auction for baby Ike down south at Ruta Maya (www.ikeasaurus.com). It was amazing, and it raised over $17,000 for the Roy family. I love the Austin Mamas.

On Sunday after church we went over to our friends' house for brunch. We hadn't gotten together in a loooong time (like almost a year). Sadly, E was deathly afraid of their sweet puppy Lulu, and Lulu had to go in her crate. I don't know if I've ever seen E that afraid. He was making the sad face and everything. In the meantime, he was fine at the park this morning with a much bigger dog (but he sees this dog fairly often, and the dog is very calm . . . ?).

Pregnancy Stuff, Mostly

2009-05-03T15:07:00.005-05:00

I am so behind on my emails. I just can't seem to find the time to write very lengthy replies, and I have several in my inbox right now that deserve more than a few quick sentences. In our spare time at home we've been working on cleaning out and organizing the garage (we're at least 80% there), and I've been going through closets and drawers and bookcases little by little, getting ready for the new baby and the rearranging we need to do (turning the guest room/my office into E's new room). I'm also in the midst of touring a couple of preschools (while E's at co-op) and trying to find a new OB. (I've decided to attempt a VBAC. I think.) E's recent developments have also necessitated some additional safety features around the house. Several have been installed, but we really need to secure some of our furniture to the walls. I was looking at the instructions today and it's going to be a bitch. Not sure how the bookshelves downstairs will work since they're Ikea and the backing is particle board.

Pregnancy update: I have an appointment later this week (we start week 17 tomorrow), and the doc said they'll try to make a guess about the baby's gender. I can't wait. I feel absolutely certain it's a boy, and I'm dying to have that confirmed (or to be told I'm wrong--either way will be incredible). I started showing awhile back (feels like I'm pretty big already, for how far along I am), and I think(?) I'm feeling the baby move at times, but only faintly, and I'm still not totally sure. In general I have so, so much more energy than in the first trimester, but there are days I'm wiped out for no apparent reason. The food aversions remain, but the nausea has left completely, which is such a relief. The late night snacking has commenced, and I've started to need a substantial snack (like a pj&j and milk) most nights before bed in order to feel full.

I've thought a lot about how different it is being pregnant this time as compared to last. It feels much easier this time. So far, at least (knock on wood). I've had none of the aches and pains I had last time, and some of them had started by this point. I guess the ligaments and skin and muscle were all broken in pretty well by E. I've had a fraction of the headaches I had before, and my face hasn't broken out (it was out of control with E). I'm also way more physically active this time (not that I exercise or anything. Please). It's easier psychologically as well. About this point last time, I was obsessed with where the top of my uterus was--I was sure it was too low. Now I know that I can't feel the top of my uterus yet. I still get plenty anxious about stuff, just not so much about pregnancy symptoms. And now that the first trimester is over, I'm in no hurry. Whereas it seemed to take forever for E to arrive, I feel like this baby will be here in the blink of an eye. Before, I put everything off until the last trimester, feeling like I shouldn't do things too early. I had no idea how exhausted and physically limited I would be by then. Now I know that I need to get things done in the next couple of months.

Blahblahblah, this seems boring and self-involved (though isn't blogging exactly that). Maybe I should be putting it in the written journal I'm keeping about this pregnancy. But in any case, I'm out of time tonight. Guess I'll have to blog about our weekend later. E got to visit a petting zoo!

Friday at the tail end of a long naptime

2009-05-01T15:35:00.009-05:00

Wow, I'm having a hard time getting anything done. I mean, anything but menial chores. Part of it probably has to do with being pregnant, but mostly I think it has to do with having a very active toddler. When I'm not interacting with him or out with him somewhere, I spend most of my time cleaning and picking up the house, washing clothes and dishes. Order is important to me, and yet I often feel like I have nothing to show for my efforts. I get to enjoy a tidy room or a clean kitchen for a fraction of a second before it's all undone and the cycle starts again. Over and over. I feel like a hamster in a wheel, running and running but not getting anywhere. I'm sure this is the lament of many a mom. You'll have to cut me some slack, because TJ was out of town all week and I'm pretty burned out.

I took E for his 18-month well check yesterday (a month late). He got the dreaded MMR shot, which I've been fearing and avoiding for a year. I would've waited until his two-year checkup, but that's right around when the baby is due, so I decided to go ahead and do it now. And you know what? It was no big deal. I mean, he cried (he got two shots), but he was fine shortly afterward, and he was his usual energetic, happy self the rest of the day. We went to play at the Central Market playscape afterward and he had a freaking blast. He has taken monster naps yesterday and today, and this morning he was very difficult to deal with, but that seems to be more from his bottom canines. So, whew, glad the MMR is over.

By the way, he weighed in at 27 pounds, 11 ounces (75th percentile) and he's 32.5 inches tall (60th percentile). His head circumference is in the 90th percentile.

One thing that jumped out at me from the info sheet they gave us about this age: Don't expect them to share yet. Case in point: E's friend Jonas came over yesterday afternoon and there were many tears shed over the miniature Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner we have. Learning to share is hard.

Last Saturday I drove up to Ft. Worth to help throw a bachelorette party for a high school friend. Several of the girls were staying out all night with the bride, but I rode up and back with a friend of mine who's also pregnant (just two weeks apart!) and mama to a toddler. Partying all night and being away from our families the whole weekend wasn't something we felt comfortable with, so we drove up that morning and then back after a late dinner. I got home at 3 a.m. Groan. TJ left that day (though not until the afternoon).

I have to say that the best part of the day on Saturday was talking to my friend in the car. We talked for a total of around seven hours at least. Non-stop. And I felt like we could've talked longer. It was such a treat. No interruptions, no one else to take care of, and endless subjects to talk about. I love this friend, and I wish we got to see each other more often.

Well, E's up now. More soon, hopefully.

Mary's Visit, Leaving E

2009-04-20T15:33:00.005-05:00

There are all kinds of things I've been meaning to blog about, but I just don't have it in me at the moment. (Plus it's 3:30--E will surely be waking up soon. He's been napping for 2.5 hours!)

We survived Mary's visit, though I did flee to the bathroom once to cry and freak out for a couple minutes. Mary sounds exactly like Mrs. Costanza on Seinfeld, and I've decided that something about the way her voice sounds makes it hard to get outright angry at her. She comes across as sweet and sincere even while being offensive and grating. I believe her heart is in the right place, but it's a lot to take: the poor listening skills, the constant, BLATANT interrupting and talking over you, the repeating of stories over and over and over again, the cleaning directions and advice (while I'm cleaning), the non-stop chatter about sales and sweepstakes and money. TJ just kinda checks out, either leaves the room or literally doesn't respond to her. And that means it falls to me, the polite daughter-in-law, to listen and respond attentively at all times (there's rarely silence) and make sure she's comfortable. Thankfully, there were no fights this time. Even when she said something about how "all Asian people make their kids take piano lessons," TJ kept his cool. And she didn't badmouth Obama or quote Rush Limbaugh, amazingly. He definitely would've lost his shit then.

Her food addiction, as usual, was sad to witness. She talks incessantly about calories and diets and losing weight and wanting to eat healthy food, and none of it means anything. It's to the point that she can't be on her feet for long at all, and she has a terrible cough left over from the walking pneumonia she had last fall and this winter. She and I went to Target one afternoon, and on our way back to the car she told me excitedly that she'd picked out a special treat for us to share in the car before we got home. It was a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars, I kid you not. Only 100 calories! It broke my heart.

Anyway, we're going to Florida in July to visit them (TJ's dad stayed home this time), and I'm pretty optimistic that it'll be a good trip. They will *love* having E there, and he'll have fun in their pool. We can get a direct flight, and they're set up well for babies, and it will be nice not to have to worry about meals and keeping house for a few days.

I had other things I wanted to mention, but it's now after 8:00 p.m. and I need to stop. I'll just quickly add that TJ and I went out on a date Saturday night for the first time in months, and a sitter put E down for the first time in, well, ever. That was really the point of our going out--we're working up to the weekend my friend gets married in June. I was a nervous wreck for no reason, of course. He went down just fine. But I hate leaving him. It's to the point that I have a hard time thinking of anything else or enjoying myself. It feels a bit desperate and unhealthy and makes me wonder if I have any identity left apart from who I am with him.

Recent pics

2009-04-11T21:32:00.006-05:00

Trying in vain to see his belly button. It's impossible when your belly is so round!

This-n-that on a Thursday that feels like a Friday

2009-04-09T17:52:00.006-05:00

It don't think I have much to say at the moment, but TJ took E to the airport to pick up his mom, so I'm alone at home, which NEVER happens. It feels divine and weird.

Mary will be here until Tuesday. You may remember some posts about her last summer. (I don't think I'll reference them here. Ahem.) I hope this visit is as enjoyable and non-suffocating as possible. I know E will love having his Grammy here.

What else . . .

Oh, we found out this week that we don't have maternity coverage. Surprise! More on this later. Shitty, shitty news.

I had my 12-week appointment today. I refused the ultrasound/Downs screening that was scheduled, and instead the doctor just listened to the heartbeat externally (it sounded nice and strong--wow). I felt great about not having the ultrasound, as wonderful as it would've been to see the baby. I also talked to the doctor about VBACs. More on this later.

Today is our four-year wedding anniversary! We have a sitter coming next Saturday, so we're going to celebrate then.

I have been really tired this week, and grateful for the ability to nap part of the time that E naps (he's been napping so well, though only sleeping ten hours a night). I ended up enlisting TJ's help in preparing for Mary's arrival (specifically he mopped downstairs last night). Everything is in good shape now.

Oh, gotta go! Am being picked up shortly for dinner.

Drowning in Oak Pollen

2009-04-04T19:17:00.004-05:00

I have horrible allergies. Horrible. This is the third day of it.
Moving sluggishly. So congested. Uck.

We got a lot done today, though. Stuff like taxes and vacuuming and cooking and starting to clean out/organize the garage. And there was playing, lots of playing outside with a certain someone. He has allergies too, but there's no keeping him from going outside.

About the working-from-home/noise situation, I should clarify that it's not that E and I have to be quiet when we're here--we really don't--we just can't be crazy loud. It doesn't cramp our style most days, I wouldn't say. Just sometimes, usually near the end of the day, though having the sand and water table out back has helped with that. But I vacuum regularly while TJ works, and crank up the radio in the kitchen and so forth. I don't want to make it sound like we have to tiptoe around. As frustrating as it was, Friday's incident was the first of its kind, of that magnitude. We talked about it later, and TJ just doesn't think it's going to happen that often. Still, he'll need to find a place with wireless to work come next fall, if not sooner. And I have to ignore the shrieking (which I normally do) at all costs.

Okay, time to go. I'm trying not to get trapped online up here every night after E goes down. I have yet to be successful.

Working from Home: The Noise Factor

2009-04-02T13:22:00.004-05:00

Obviously there are huge, huge benefits to having TJ work at home: the overall pace of our lives (especially when compared to the hellish job he had before), the lack of commute, the help I get in the mornings, the ability for us both to be present for dinner prep/evening playtime. The fact that we're usually done eating dinner by 6:30. The bonus of having my lunch made for me whenever TJ has time. (We never eat lunch together, but he makes my lunch when he can.) And perhaps most importantly, there's the huge benefit of E getting to see TJ during the day, even if it's just to wave hi as we pass his office.

TJ doesn't have the type of working-from-home job where you make your own hours and work quietly behind a desk. His is a high-pressure, fast-paced job that's more suited to an office environment in many ways. His schedule is packed with phone meetings and conference calls with clients and colleagues and his partners. He never starts later than 8:00 in the morning, and doesn't take a real break until he stops for the day, which is at 5:00 on average (though he sometimes works at night). Not bad.

The issue that seems to be developing has to do with E's noise level, specifically the high-pitched shrieks he's been into lately. There's no way to stop him, nor should we, in my opinion, and the dynamic that's developing around his shrieks is problematic to say the least. For example: Today we'd been out all morning. Upstairs from 8:30 to 9:30, and then out of the house from 9:30 to 12:30. E needed to eat lunch as soon as we got home, and then we'd be going upstairs for naptime. He was in his highchair, waiting for me to quickly get his lunch together, when he started with the EARSPLITTING shrieks. I knew that TJ was just getting on a video conference call, so I was shushing E desperately (knowing that this only makes it worse, but feeling like I had to do something). I was begging him to be quiet, but the shrieks continued, not surprisingly. TJ came barging out of his office with his earpiece on and said, "You've got to do something. Just . . . do something." I said there was nothing I could do. He repeated that I had to, period. I repeated that there was literally nothing I could do, sorry. E had to eat. Back and forth we went, at a stalemate.

After lunch, to get E upstairs without a struggle or a peep, I was parceling out sour cream and onion chips (not worth explaining, but obviously they're not something I want him eating at all). Yep, I was buying his silence until we were safely upstairs.

Not good.

It's frustrating to me, and I know it's frustrating on TJ's end as well. But I don't know what else I can do. I'm already taking him out of the house every single morning of the week, then we're upstairs in the afternoons from 1:00 to 4:00 or so.

The last time TJ was out of town (which obviously sucked except in the way I'm about to mention), there were a couple of days where E and I had a dance fest in the kitchen over lunchtime. I cranked up the music and we were dancing and laughing and whirling around like lunatics. It felt so wonderful, and I remember wondering why we'd never done this before. And then I realized--it's because we always, always have to be quiet.

There are also times when I'm trying to prepare dinner when TJ's working late, and E's doing what toddlers do in that situation--pulling on my legs and moaning and crying and trying to get my attention. I can't let him do it for long since it's too loud, but if it were just the two of us at home, he would have to wait until I'd reached a stopping point. I worry about what this is teaching him. And what about when the new baby is born? Can you imagine?!

We definitely need to figure something out.

Heading Toward the Twos

2009-03-30T19:28:00.004-05:00

E's officially eighteen months as of today. A few months ago at his well check, the doctor suggested picking five rules and sticking to them. He said we wouldn't have the energy to consistently enforce more than five. I thought it was good advice, but couldn't come up with the five. We didn't have any rules yet, other than not going in the street. E didn't seem to understand enough to follow rules or deliberately act out. He was still a baby in many ways. But suddenly, we're in new territory. It's happened gradually, really, but this past week seems to have introduced a new era of intentional boundary pushing. We find ourselves enforcing lots of boundaries, over and over and over and over again. Many of the rules involve throwing, which results in the item being taken away: cups, food, blocks, puzzle pieces. Also: no pulling cds from the shelves and throwing them on the floor (this has been the biggie lately, and it's not like we can take the cd towers away). No standing on the couch downstairs (not safe with the wood floor); couches are for sitting. No standing in the high chair. No opening the dishwasher and climbing in (we haven't found a lock that works on ours). No climbing out of the bathtub during bath. I'm sure there are others I'm leaving out. Every time I look away, he's running for the cds, etc. Of course, this is his job right now, and ours is to be consistent. But wow. I can see why the doc advised a limit of five rules. How to keep it to five, though?

We've also seen the emergence of tantrums--real tantrums that involve collapsing on the ground and kicking and screaming and rolling around. But they're not as crazy as they could be or will be. There's definitely still room to grow there. But the poor guy, he gets so upset over the tiniest things. Sometimes my heart breaks for him and sometimes I have to turn away so he doesn't see me laughing.

Quick Post on a Sunday Evening

2009-03-29T20:01:00.003-05:00

Visited Nana yesterday in Wimberley. She's not doing great: she took a fall several weeks ago and fractured her hip (prescription: rest, ugh), but she's still in so much pain, she thinks she may have broken it. Hopefully she'll find out more this week. I was so glad to see her, and she gave us a wonderful gift while we were there--the first piece of pottery she every bought. It's beautiful.

It seems I've turned a corner in terms of feeling crappy. This is the fifth day in a row I've felt better. Ah! It's nice. It seems a little early to be feeling better, even though I know everyone's different, but I've worried a bit--surprise. I felt just crappy enough later today, though, to set my mind at ease (irrational, I know). I expect everything is fine. After all, I'm about to start week twelve (at last!), and my shape has started to change (why do I find that so shocking?). Good things.

I don't think I'll blog in much detail about this pregnancy, at least not in terms of physical sensations and changes. I'm keeping a little written journal about that stuff.

We interviewed an evening/weekend sitter today and it went well. The plan is to work up to my friend's wedding weekend at the beginning of June. E needs to feel comfortable with the sitter caring for him that weekend, especially since she'll be putting him to bed two (possibly three) nights in a row. Uncharted territory. So we're going to have this sitter come multiple times over the next two months, starting next Sunday. She was highly recommended to us, and has been a nanny for seven years, working with all ages. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have found someone. Also, it will be great for me and TJ, albeit expensive, since we hardly ever go out together.

Okay, time for cereal and an early bedtime. I have a longer post percolating, but who knows when I'll have time to write it.

Another Day Down (and it included a three-hour naptime!)

2009-03-23T19:34:00.004-05:00

After work today, TJ took E to play outside, then made him dinner and fed him (while I got takeout for us), and then insisted on bathing him AND putting him to bed, not to mention picking up the toys downstairs. I was so grateful, especially because today was extra rough in terms of queasiness. I wish I had food cravings that I could indulge, but literally everything repulses me and nothing is satisfying. It's strange to look at macaroni and cheese and want to barf. Time to go read Agatha Christie.

Boobies and a List of Words

2009-03-23T14:59:00.006-05:00

E and I are pretty well adjusted now to not breastfeeding, I think, and it feels good. But he's a bit obsessed with my breasts. This had actually started before we weaned. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he's into bodies in general. He knows where his penis is and can say penis ("puh-puh"), and likes to play with it. He also likes TJ to pull up his shirt so he can see his hairy belly and touch his nipples. He doesn't say "boobies" when he sees TJ's bare chest, so he must know there's a difference. Several times a day, he pulls my shirt up and demands to see my boobs. (He also tries to pull down my pants!) He smiles lovingly when he sees the boobies, touches them gently, and then lays his head down on my belly or chest. It is so. very. sweet. He doesn't try to nurse, he just touches them and nuzzles me and says something that sounds a little like "boobuh" or sometimes just "boouh."

We are cuddling more in the rocking chair, which I love. Sometimes when he wakes up from his nap, he'll sleep on me in the chair for a half hour more, and I get to snuggle him and doze a little. I was cherishing this last week, thinking about how that kind of thing won't be possible as often once we have another baby. Right? Then I was thinking about the new baby and about how different his or her first year will be compared to E's--when I was able to focus on him completely. More on this later, I'm sure.

I meant to say before that the preschool issue I mentioned earlier has been resolved, as much as it can be. I'm incredibly relieved, though I still regret that the situation even exists in its current state. But there's nothing I can do about it now. It is what it is, and I have learned from it.

I wanted to start a list of the words that E's saying (boring to anyone but me, I'm sure). A few of these words sound precisely the way anyone would say them, but most are approximations, or just sounds that we know represent certain words. The only sound that's completely unrelated to the word it stands for is "dog," which comes out as "koh." But it's not vocalized, it's just a kinda gutteral noise, like a sound effect. Hard to explain. In any case, here are the words he has so far:

ball
kitty
Squeaky (Kiki)
dog
pig
zebra
outside
bowl
spoon
cup
car
door
apple
banana
yo-yo
penis
boobies
baby
Mama
Daddy, Dat, Dada

Of course, he understands a lot more than he can say. When we're reading, if you ask him, he can point out the fish, bird, elephant, camel, monkey, flamingo, barnyard animals, and various items in his book of colors (like the brown gingerbread man).

Non-Weekend

2009-03-22T20:29:00.004-05:00

I have a blog over at Wordpress that I've been trying to get set up for months. At some point I'll make the switch. I'm thinking I should make it a less personal blog, a way for family and friends (more than the few who know about this one) to check in when they're so inclined. TJ suggested this, since I spend so much time emailing and trying to keep up with people. It's getting harder and harder, and I don't imagine I'll have much time for it at all come next fall. I'm just not sure an impersonal blog is my style. I don't know if I could do it. I already feel limited on here for a few reasons, and my family doesn't even know about this blog. Hmmm. It wouldn't be an outlet the way it is now, but maybe that's okay. In any case, I'm excited about the switch over to Wordpress.

This weekend was awash. We had a lot on our list, and none of it got done. TJ was at SXSW all day Friday and got home that night. He knew he was coming down with a cold beforehand, and declared himself officially sick by the time we went to bed. I took care of E most of Saturday and today, feeling super crappy, as usual, myself. TJ did do the bath and bedtime routines. Still, it's amazing to me the way men just stop everything when they're sick. I feel sorry for my poor sickie and have taken care of him and gone grocery shopping and gotten E out of the house so he could rest, but part of me is a *tad* bitter, given that I've felt sick for the past two months. Today TJ said innocently, "Are you ever going to wear your contacts again?" WHAT?!?! Are we on the same planet?!

Really, this is not to say that I don't have sympathy for his cold (he was shivering in bed next to me last night and it was sad), or that I don't appreciate all the wonderful things he does. I do! He's amazing. But . . . the gender differences are stunning sometimes. Don't get me started on the cat litter . . .

2009-03-22T20:24:00.005-05:00

I don't know what we'd do without the sand and water table we got recently. Thank God for it. We spend hours outside each day and E always ends up filthy and absolutely soaked.

Dragging

2009-03-17T14:47:00.004-05:00

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that E's been hard to satisfy lately. Duh, he's teething again. All he's got are canines left until the two-year molars. We've had a nice respite from hardcore teething and had forgotten how completely it transforms him. He's been up the past two nights, and on Motrin, and the drool is spilling from his mouth. When he's awake he's clingy and demanding and quick to scream. It's exhausting. He did great at co-op this morning, though. The mom on duty mentioned how sweet and even-tempered he was, and I was all, "Say what?"

This morning he was up at 4:30 and didn't go back down until I forced a brief nap on him at 7:30. TJ was out at a work thing last night, so he was out of commission this morning, and I wasn't amused. I have a UTI right now, and the medication I just started is giving me diarrhea and making me more intensely nauseous than I am anyway. I can't wait to crawl into bed tonight.

But can I just say that we got some new shorts for E recently, and they are so cute I can hardly stand it? He's wearing the khaki ones today. I almost fainted from the cuteness earlier.

Weaned, Apparently

2009-03-16T14:30:00.006-05:00

So, we've been nursing twice a day (morning and bedtime) for quite awhile. This week, starting Monday, we dropped the morning feeding, and E didn't seem to care at all. I figured we'd see how things went and then in a month (or two? I wasn't sure) we'd drop the last feeding and be completely weaned. I've found that nursing while pregnant is uncomfortable/painful, which is partly what prompted me to move forward on the whole weaning thing.

Then at bedtime on Wednesday, right after we started nursing, E bit me. Hard. I started yelling "ow, ow, ow" at the top of my lungs. I put my finger in his mouth, but it did no good. He was smiling with the nipple pinned between his teeth. He finally released and we sat there for a minute. He was saying "kitty" and was completely unfazed. I could just imagine him doing it again, and I was too terrified to risk it. I decided to see if he'd let me rock him instead. I was sure he wouldn't, but I thought if he had to ask for the boob he'd be less likely to bite when he got it. He's hardly ever bitten me before.

Lo and behold, he put his head down and I rocked him like we usually do after nursing. I held him close, and I couldn't believe what was happening, that he was going to bed without nursing, and with no warning. The fact that it followed the biting made it even more upsetting somehow. I started crying, silently, so that hopefully he wouldn't know something was up. When I put him down, he was awake but sleepy, and didn't protest at all. He went down like any other night. I cried and cried, not really knowing why, but sensing that something big had happened.

We haven't nursed since then, which at this point I think means we're weaned. I hate that the biting incident was our last time. I wish I'd pushed it on him after that, so that we ended with a good memory. (There was a moment today when we could've nursed, but I felt like it had already been too long.) I kept thinking he would ask for it, and I decided to wait for him to initiate, but he didn't. I even put him to bed myself those first four nights. I have to believe that he was more than ready to wean, and perhaps so was my body: It's been six days on one side and five on the other, and my breasts are as deflated as ever.

I've been weepy off and on the past few days, missing the snuggle time with my boy. He's not a big cuddlebug otherwise. We'll find our way, though, I know . . . transitions are just hard. I feel like one of those annoyingly needy mothers right now, whose desperation ends up forcing their children to push them away to keep from being smothered. I can already see glimpses of how that dynamic develops over time. I vow here and now never to become one of those moms. It better not be one of those things that sneaks up on you. I will not do that to my children.

I should mention that TJ put E down last night for the first time (with me here, anyway), and it went off without a hitch. It was liberating! So there is something to celebrate in this change. And I have so many beautiful memories of nursing E, I can't even begin to count them. One day soon, I'll be able to think about them without crying.

First Trip to the Zoo

2009-03-14T19:24:00.002-05:00

Here's E getting his mind blown at the San Antonio Zoo. He was looking at an enclosure chock full of flamingos walking delicately around on their improbably long, thin legs. It was a freaky sight to see, even for a grown person. This was the week TJ was out of town. E and I went to San Antonio for two nights and one day, and my dad took the day off to spend with us. (Thank God.) The first night we were there, E woke up at 3:30 and I never got him back down. The second night, he was up at 2:30 and then for good at 5:30. I'm so glad we went, even though I was painfully exhausted and sick by the time we left. E had a blast.

Sidenote: This trip made me realize that the days of the Pack-n-Play are over. We're getting a portable crib to keep at my parents' house from now on. The new baby (knock on wood) can use it next, and I expect my dad and Gwen will have other grandkids someday who can use it as well.

Long Time No Blog

2009-03-14T15:42:00.005-05:00

I don't think I've ever gone this long without blogging. Sorry. There are several reasons. One of them has to do with fatigue, which leads me to some news that I've decided to go ahead and post on here: I'm pregnant! We're winding up the ninth week. I've had two ultrasounds so far, one just this past Thursday, and everything looks good, so fingers crossed that the next month continues to go smoothly.

I've been much sicker this time. No puking, but nauseous and grossed out by most food. And just so, so tired. The week before last was incredibly difficult. TJ was gone all week, E didn't sleep well and was up at 5:30 almost every day, and I had my first encounter with hives. It was miserable. This past week was much better, and I slowly started to catch up on housework and emails, though I've realized that I just can't spend as much time online as I have in the past. I also finally got two nights of good sleep. I haven't been sleeping well, in part because of some problems I'm having with a couple of close friends. It's been extremely upsetting, especially a situation surrounding E's preschool enrollment in the fall. I don't know what's going to happen with that, and it's been stressful. There are very few good two-day toddler programs in Austin, and while we have a spot in one, the issues with my friends have necessitated (in my opinion, anyway) trying to find another preschool, which looks to be a losing battle. I'm at a loss. E has to be enrolled somewhere in the fall, for his sake as much as mine.

Speaking of E, he's a little pistol these days. He's saying lots of new words, and he's doing a good bit of screaming and whining as well. It's been hard to satisfy him lately. We've been working on getting him to stop throwing his food and cups. It feels like our efforts are utterly futile, but I guess he'll get it over time. He's been dancing more than ever (he loves his little musical table), and is obsessed with climbing on anything and everything. As usual, he would spend all day outside if he could, with as many balls as he can carry. We just got a sand and water table for him, and I can't wait to set it up in our otherwise barren backyard. The past few days have been cold and rainy here, which has been wonderful overall, but hard for little guys who get bored cooped up inside. I can't believe he'll be eighteen months old in two weeks. That seems like such a milestone.

And speaking of milestones, it appears that E is now weaned. I'm going to write a separate post on this . . .

Quick and Incomplete Update

2009-02-23T16:57:00.003-06:00

I finished my book assignment last Tuesday night, and I still don't feel caught up (hence the lack of blogging). There's something else going on to contribute to this, but more on that at a later date. Now I'm gearing up for my friend's wedding shower this weekend, and for TJ's week-long trip that starts next Monday. In the meantime, we have a busy week as usual.

I'm sure there's an E update, but I can't think what right now. We've just come through a bout of teething that resulted in the emergence of his last one-year molar. He's still teething, but no longer needs Motrin every day. We had a good time with folks at the park this morning. Beautiful weather.

My little brother's All-State concert the weekend before last was wonderful, and TJ and E had a great time spending all day together. They'll be doing it again this Saturday while I'm at the shower in San Marcos. When I got home from San Antonio (it was Valentine's Day), TJ had gotten me a rose from him and one from E, and he'd prepared a Valentine-y cocktail and bought steaks to grill. He'd even gotten some strawberries and chocolate for dessert. He's notorious for hating Valentine's Day with a passion, and I'm ambivalent about it, so we've never really celebrated it. This was a sweet surprise to come home to, I have to say, Valentine's Day or not.

TJ has been especially wonderful lately, by the way. I sure am thankful for him. Lovey love.

Ike-a-saurus

2009-02-16T19:38:00.002-06:00

One of my fellow Austin Mamas, whose blog I read all the time, is going through something I can't begin to imagine. After an incredibly scary pregnancy and premature delivery (at 28 weeks) last summer, her baby Isaac (aka Ike-a-saurus) made it home this past fall. But to make a long story short, a problem with his airway developed over the past few weeks, and then he got very sick with an unknown virus, and he's now intubated and sedated in the pediatric ICU. He's having surgery in the morning, and the situation is very grave. Please think good thoughts for him and his family. They have been through so much, including his dad getting laid off recently.

The Austin Mamas have already raised enough money to pay for Isaac's Cobra for February and March. The mamas are also organizing a bake sale, silent auction, rummage sale, and a family friendly music event. But for now everything is on hold until the surgery is over.

I've been a huge secret admirer of Ike's mom, Kari, for a year now. She's a children's author and might be the funniest person in Austin. Her blog is here.

Words, Balls, and Shape Sorting

2009-02-12T08:20:00.007-06:00

We seem to spend most of our time with E these days laughing. I know this is just the merest taste of what it will be like when he's really starting to talk, but where we are now is so delightful. Everything he does is funny and/or unbearably cute (okay, except when he throws his cup). Yesterday he brought a record six balls outside on our afternoon walk. He carried two to the front doorway, tossed each one into the yard in front of him (while still standing inside the house), then ran back into the living room to get two more. Repeat. This was after he woke up from his nap and stood at the gate at the top of the stairs saying, "Ssss, ssss, ssssiiiiiide, buh, buh, buh!" in other words, "I want to get the balls and go outside." It was the first time he's expressed something using two words.

Once we get outside every afternoon, he surveys the many balls that lay scattered across the lawn. He's like a king contemplating his dominion. He then chooses one or two and we start the walk, throwing and kicking the balls ahead of us and then running after them. He's great at throwing, and at bending over and batting the balls, and TJ has taught him how to kick, though he doesn't kick them as often. My goal on these walks (aside from keeping him from going in the street or up to a neighbor's house) is to keep the balls from going into the storm drains. Anytime one of the balls escapes (roughly fifty times per walk), I run into the street like a maniac to catch it before it's lost. We've lost many, many balls.

The word he says most clearly, and most often, is "kitty." He adores Squeaky and also identifies cats in books and anywhere else. One day he was staring at the side of the fridge saying, "kiddy, kiddy, kiddy, kiddy," and we realized that he was looking at a magnet we have that has a cat on it. Each time something like this happens, it's thrilling for us and we get all goofy with excitement.

Yesterday we were reading his book about colors (over and over and over) and he kept pointing to the green apple. I'd say "apple" and he'd look at me with this smile that seemed to mean, "I know what it is and I want to say it but I don't know how." Then he said, "aaaaaaaa." We went through this several times, me saying "apple" and him saying "aaaaaaa." He couldn't figure out the second syllable, but he knows it's there and wants to say it.

Today I told him that we were going to see a baby this morning, and he smiled that same smile. I said, "Can you say 'baby'?" He smiled and said tentatively, "buh-buh."

His word for TJ is "Dat." He loves his Dat.

He doesn't spend much time stacking blocks anymore. His main obsession now is the shape shorter. He can't do it by himself, but wants to do it all the time, which can get tedious, to say the least.

He spends time each day quietly looking at books by himself, turning the pages, staring and staring at the pictures. I love watching him do this when he doesn't know I'm watching.

I'll end this here, but may add to it later . . .

2009-02-11T21:29:00.003-06:00

Getting chased upstairs on the way to bath.

"Sometimes a President Is Just a President"

2009-02-11T13:34:00.002-06:00

I really enjoyed Judith Warner's last column in the New York Times:

http://tinyurl.com/cgxk8s

Fitting It All In

2009-02-10T14:55:00.006-06:00

It's been over a week since I started this book assignment, and it's really taking its toll. My brain is mush, and it's been a struggle to keep up with the neverending cycle of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, emails, bills, and so on, in addition to hanging with my sweet little dude and trying to find time to work (every night, every day at nap--basically any spare moment I have). I've enjoyed using my brain again and having a book project on the table, but doing it this way is not sustainable. I had a sitter come Monday morning for three hours, and she's coming back Thursday afternoon for a couple of hours. That enables me to get roughly 50 pages done out of 256 (I'm currently on page 148). I'm hoping the sitter can come back next Monday too. In the meantime, I forgot that this Saturday is my little brother's All-State concert in San Antonio. I'll be gone all day doing that while TJ stays here with E (the longest he's ever flown solo). As soon as I ship the book back, I'll be focusing on preparing for a bridal shower I'm helping to host in San Marcos in two weeks. In the meantime, it looks like TJ will be out of town next Thursday and Friday.

Our Current Schedule (for the record)

2009-02-07T08:50:00.006-06:00

We have a great schedule these days. It started to shape up around the time E turned one and dropped his morning nap, and it's only gotten better.

Monday mornings: play at the park with the mamas and babies
Tuesday and Wednesday mornings: co-op
Wednesday (or sometimes Thursday) afternoons: play date with Jonas and Kay
Thursday mornings: play group with mamas and babies
Friday mornings: storytime

After being out in the morning, we come home, eat lunch, and then naptime starts around 1:00 and runs anywhere from 2:30 to 3:30. He's often groggy when he wakes up, and if so, we spend some time snuggling in the rocking chair. After that we play upstairs awhile and then we come downstairs and he gets his balls and we play outside until 4:00 or 4:30. Then we come in and I start dinner, which usually doesn't go over well. (The starting of dinner, I mean, not the dinner itself, ha.) TJ often stops working while dinner is being made and either takes over cooking or entertains E while I finish (or else we're both cooking). We now all three eat dinner at the same time, between 5:30 and 6:00. It's pretty hectic, considering there are only three of us. E eats what we're having when possible, which is maybe half the time. TJ is the one who bathes him and reads to him, usually, and then I nurse him and put him down around 7:00.

On Fridays we go to Chuy's.

On non-co-op mornings we sometimes end up running errands or meeting other friends or hanging out at home; it just depends.

Co-op has really taken off in 2009. I don't believe I've posted about it much. A group of the '07 Austin Mamas (myself included) started it last fall. E was 12 months when the first session began and he wasn't walking yet. (Wow--that seems crazy to me now.) We rent a room at the UU church that is fully stocked with toys and opens out into a wonderful courtyard play area with a sandbox, swings, a slide, push toys, balls, etc. We started with just two mornings a week (six babies each morning), but now we've expanded to four mornings (some people come one day a week, some two--like us--some three). We recently hired a teacher (last week was her first week), and in addition to being great for the kids, it also means that us mamas only have to work at the co-op once every six weeks instead of twice. In my case, since we go two days a week, I'll be on duty a total of two days out of twelve. Right now the hours are 9:30 to 11:30, but starting mid-March they'll expand to 12:00 and then later 12:30. It'll be interesting to see what happens to the group as (I assume) more and more of the kids leave to enroll in preschools around town. Right now we've got a good thing going.

Last fall E had some trouble adjusting and came close to cracking his skull open one day (I bawled all the way home and considered dropping out but felt better after talking to the other mamas about the situation), but this winter he's totally found his groove. He loves co-op and isn't as overwhelmed by it as he used to be. Before the holidays, one of the mamas made everyone a co-op book to take home with pictures of the room and the kids and mamas and the stuff outside, and E asks me to read it to him all the time now.

As you might imagine, I heart co-op as well, because it gives me time to run errands (I can run *so* many errands in an hour!), go on a walk . . . whatever. It's even been nice when I've spent the time close to the church, keeping an eye on E from afar. I've read in the car, written emails, stuff like that. I've also enjoyed slowly getting to know some of the other mamas. They're a wonderful bunch.

Weekend Summary

2009-02-02T14:28:00.004-06:00

Bullets, cuz that's all I have time for:

* Went to a CPR training Saturday morning at our church. I hadn't done the training since college, and I'd forgotten a lot, plus CPR has changed a bit since then (30 chest compressions instead of 15, for instance). We were also trained on an AED--how great is that? I didn't know that was part of the training. And we went over choking. (S-c-a-r-y.) Even just acting out these horrifying scenarios brought tears to my eyes several times.

* Saturday night we went out to dinner with a couple of friends of mine from high school, one of whom is getting married here in Austin in June (and moving here in March), and the other of whom has a baby a little older than E and is a bridesmaid along with me, in our friend's wedding. We're throwing her a shower at the end of February in our hometown of San Marcos. As much as I'd love to blog about this wedding (would I ever), it's something I shouldn't write about on here, and that's probably just as well (plus, who has the time?).

* We went to the early service, as usual, on Sunday morning. A quote I loved: "Anger is like wine: It hides you from yourself and reveals you to everyone else." And: "The person who angers you, conquers you."

* From church we drove to my parents' house in San Antonio, and my stepmom Gwen babysat E while TJ and I went to lunch and then over to the high school where my dad is the choir director and my little brother is a senior. My dad does a musical every year, and that's what we were going to see. This year he did Into the W.oods, and my sweet little brother (Angus) played the Baker, one of the leads. He was wonderful and I cried. He wants to major in International Relations, but I hope he continues doing stuff with theater and voice in some capacity.

* E had a blast with Grandma (though he did fall and get a fat lip) and she was able to get him down for a nap easily. You could've knocked me over with a feather. I was so relieved. No one else besides us has put him down for a nap in like nine months. She brought him to the high school as the musical ended, and he ran up and down the aisles of the auditorium laughing hysterically and chasing the cool new balls Grandma had gotten for him. He also played with Pops. It was incredibly sweet to see him interact with my parents, both of whom he clearly remembers and loves.

* Afterwards we all went out to eat (minus Angus, who went out with friends), and then on the way home I was suddenly seized with the fear that we'd left E's white noise machine at my parents' house. Sure enough, we had. I nearly freaked. I was so sure this meant that E wouldn't sleep and that we'd have to move ours into his room, which would mean I wouldn't sleep. But I actually talked myself down from prematurely freaking by reminding myself that E is not me (that's been well established!) and that he could very well sleep fine without it, and wouldn't that be awesome? How liberating to be free from our dependence on white noise! (I'm a light sleeper and a lost cause, but he needn't be.) Sure enough, that's what happened. He slept fine, didn't wake once, and as I type he's napping without it as well. This was definitely a blessing in disguise.

* The book assignment I accepted a few weeks ago arrived with no paragraph indents (it's a British import, so it's already been typeset), so there's been a delay while that was fixed. I got the new files this morning, so I've got my work cut out for me for the next two weeks (originally I had four to do this). I'm a bit stressed. Looks like I'll be working quite a few nights coming up.

* I shudder to think of the number of calories I consumed yesterday. What a weird eating day. I've felt vaguely ill since last night's diner dinner of chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes (and a coke--it's been years since I ordered a coke at a restaurant--what the hell?). I've vowed to make up for it this week.

* I think I'll write a separate post about E later/soon.

* We had a marvelous time this morning at the park with the mams. So fun . . .

* I guess using bullets doesn't come naturally to me, huh. I gravitate towards paragraphs.

25 Things

2009-01-30T21:51:00.002-06:00

I ended up doing one of the 25 Things lists that's going around Facebook. TJ adamantly refuses to succumb to doing one, but I couldn't resist. I found it strangely cathartic. Maybe that explains why I ended up spending so much time on it. Sheesh. I've loved reading other people's, and it was fun coming up with some wacky but true shit to include in mine.

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I shouldn't be allowed to own plants. Unfortunately, I forget this from time to time.

2. I used to live in a group house with a rocket scientist, a drug addict, and a zookeeper.

3. It can take me a long time to warm up to people and feel comfortable.

4. I used to smoke, and I still miss it sometimes, especially on crisp autumn nights.

5. I've stuttered since I was a child, but it didn't take over my life until after college. Since then it's gotten worse, although I'm still what they call a covert stutterer.

6. It took us 18 months to conceive Eamon, including a miscarriage and minor surgery to repair an abnormally shaped uterus, and yet what we went through seems like a piece of cake compared to what friends of ours have gone through or are going through. Those were tough times, though. I still look at our beautiful boy and pinch myself.

7. TJ and I met at a bar in DC. I turned him down the first time he asked me out, and then we got to know each other while we each dated other people for a few months. After that he swept me off my feet and the rest is history. Other than wanting to be a mama, I’ve never been so certain about anything as I was about marrying him.

8. We used to spend all our time at the bar, drinking and playing music. Funny how things change. He hasn't had a beer in almost six years, and neither of us writes or plays music anymore.

9. I sat on a jury for a murder trial in DC. We ended up convicting the guy of second-degree murder and sending him to jail for life. It took us days to reach a verdict. Twice we told the judge we couldn’t do it and twice he sent us back. Many tears were shed in that jury room, by both men and women. After the trial was over we found out that there had been a previous trial that ended in a hung jury.

10. One Monday afternoon when I was cleaning the bathroom in our apartment in DC, I witnessed a gang shooting out the window. I ended up testifying in two trials against a notorious gang leader, who stared at me without blinking the whole time I was on the stand. I have a transcript of my testimony, and it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

11. I’ve met (“met” is stretching it in some cases) Caroline Kennedy, Jhumpa Lahiri, Jimmy Carter, Ted Koppel, Amy Sedaris, Steven Colbert, Bill Clinton, Edwidge Danticat, George Pelecanos, Edward P. Jones, and Molly Ivins, to name a few. One of the perks of working at a great indie bookstore in DC.

12. I’m no stranger to melancholy and nostalgia and guilt, no stranger at all.

13. Every fiber of my being revolves about my son. So far I don’t know how to be any other way.

14. I admire people who have questioned religion and found faith. I identify with people who have questioned and who remain on the fence or on the non-believing side. I neither admire nor identify with people who believe without questioning.

15. I’ve come to view progressive Christianity as more radical (for lack of a better word) than Unitarianism or atheism, say. Radical in a good way. I find this very intriguing.

16. My grandmother has more balls than anyone I know. She also never feels sorry for herself, even when she has every reason to. This may be the thing I admire most about her.

17. I’m a light sleeper, and can only sleep well in perfect conditions (and even then it’s a crapshoot). My husband, on the other hand, should be in the sleeping Olympics.

18. I love to walk, and I desperately miss being in a walkable city.

19. I miss 3:00 p.m. lattes and after-work beers with my friend Trish.

20. I’ve never lived so much in my head since becoming a parent. There are so many things I don’t share with anyone anymore. It feels different, but okay and natural. There’s no longer enough time or energy to share it all. I wonder if other people experience this.

21. I used to only listen to female musicians until I met TJ. He opened my eyes to music I’d never been able to get into before (or didn’t know about), and now I’m no longer sexist in my musical preferences. (He also already knew every Ani Difranco song when we met. Can you believe that?)

22. I can’t relax unless everything is neat and tidy. Actually, I usually can’t relax then either. Watching a movie at home is a huge commitment.

23. TJ works from home, and I take care of E during the day. It’s pretty fucking sweet.

24. I love taking pictures and would like to get better at it now that I have a smokin’ camera.

25. Books were my lifeline growing up, to the point that my parents and teachers and therapist were worried that I was escaping reality to an extreme degree. I love books.

2009-01-30T08:48:00.000-06:00

Ah, sleeping in your own vomit

2009-01-28T15:43:00.002-06:00

Last night I went into E's room to check on him before bed as always. As I opened the door I was greeted by the unmistakable stench of puke. Lots of puke. I turned on the light and peered into his crib, and there he was, asleep, covered in vomit from head to toe. It was all over the crib sheet, all over him, caked to his mouth and chin and hair. He slept on as I grabbed TJ and we gathered together towels and a game plan. We woke him up, stripped him, and put him in the bath. He was super smiley, totally unfazed, and ready to play.

I can't remember if I've mentioned that our co-op has been felled by an evil stomach virus. Babies and mamas started dropping like flies last Friday, followed by dads. I thought we'd escaped it, but perhaps we haven't. Oddly, E didn't throw up again last night and was fine today until just before nap when he puked a little, and woke up a bit later clearly feeling puny. After rocking him and letting him sleep on me a long while, I was able to put him down again, and there he remains.

If only I'd realized he'd puked last night, but he's been coughing lately, so I thought he was just coughing. The thought did enter my mind, but when he didn't cry, I dismissed it. Poor guy.

Cuts So Throwed

2009-01-26T09:33:00.007-06:00

There's a haircut place a couple miles up the road from us called Cuts So Throwed. Wtf? Is this some kind of urban slang I'm unaware of? Not that that would be shocking.

Sadly, Club Whut It Dew has shut down. That was less than a mile from us, in a depressed little strip center. River City Bingo is there as well (not to be confused with River City Twirl Dance around the corner, a small, dilapidated building that sits alone on top of a hill and appears deserted except for the feather boas that hang neatly on the inside wall). Half of the strip center parking lot is always packed, and we think it must be the bingo goers. But none of it really makes sense.

Scraped and Bruised

2009-01-25T20:36:00.004-06:00

No MRR today

2009-01-23T14:19:00.001-06:00

E had his fifteen-month well check this morning. (He turns sixteen months a week from today.) I thought he'd get the MMR shot this visit since he hadn't gotten it last time, and I was freaked out, despite having decided to go through with it after consulting The Vaccine Book by Dr. Sears (the most balanced, informative book on the subject I've found). It was the last sentence of the MMR chapter that decided it for me, but no need to go into that here. TJ was fine with the shot, so it was really up to me, and what can I say, J.enny McCarthy made quite an impression on me when she went on Oprah last year. The good news is that E didn't have to have the shot today. Dr. D said that he's started delaying it to eighteen months or two years to set parents' minds at ease. Nice, huh.

He did get two shots today (both ones he's had before), and that was hard for him (quick recovery, though), as was being examined by Dr. D. He screamed hysterically, even when the doc was just listening to him breathe. Dr. D said that all fifteen-month-olds hate him; it's just part of the deal at this age. Who knew? He also talked about how important safety is right now (how fast they are, etc.), and how many people forgo eating out at this stage (I nearly died laughing, he was so on the money); and he suggested choosing five rules and sticking to them and letting the rest go. You could easily set a hundred boundaries, he said, but you only have the energy to enforce five right now, so you might as well choose consistency. I like this concept.

This was the best well check we've had, and for the first time, I had no questions. Last time my questions were about food and pickiness, but I've gotten over that (at least in terms of talking to a doctor about it). The fact that E eats zero vegetables and zero fruit (except in the smoothie we make him every morning) disturbed me at one time, but there's really nothing you can do other than marvel at a baby who doesn't like fruit.

As for the stats:

26.6 pounds (75% percentile)

31.5 inches (65% percentile)

head circumference 75% percentile

Happy Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T14:53:00.007-06:00

Oh Eamon, this is such an important day. We are celebrating today and crying tears of joy as we watch Mr. and Mrs. Obama begin their work. What amazing people they are, and what a damaged country they have inherited after the last eight years.

No matter how hard the days ahead are for the nation, and we all know they'll be hard, it feels like hope has returned.

Here are a few pictures from this morning. In the first one, we're on our way to an inauguration brunch hosted by one of our Austin Mama friends. Our whole family went.

Cloud of Happiness

2009-01-18T15:15:00.005-06:00

It's such a wonderful relief to have TJ home!

Took my mom to the airport earlier this afternoon. It feels like we barely saw her, and yet that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She came downstairs for maybe five minutes this morning and then got ready and left; when she came back this afternoon we departed for the airport immediately.

I was thinking about how I said that she made me feel as though I'm doing something remarkable in taking care of E, and I realized that was a total stretch--the word remarkable. That isn't what she said, or even how I felt afterwards, though I did feel validated, as I mentioned. I think I must be so desperate to feel remarkable at something, to have some unique knowledge or skill set, that I got a little carried away and created the experience that I wanted. But whatever.

A quote from church this morning has stayed with me today. It's from a Buddhist text. "For those who think compassionate thoughts, happiness will follow them like a cloud. For those who think hostile thoughts, unhappiness will follow them like a cloud." The trick is catching the constant flow of thoughts and messages we tell ourselves all day. I'm terrible at that. Oops. Hostile thought.

Catching up a little on a gray Saturday

2009-01-17T09:28:00.004-06:00

We had a much busier week last week than usual, at least in the evenings. TJ's two work partners (and friends) were in town from DC, so we hung out with them Monday and Tuesday evenings (they came over here Monday and we went out Tuesday and then I brought E home to bed while TJ stayed out), and then on Wednesday night I had a sad, intense talk with my BFFs about baby stuff at their house. I've been thinking about little else. Thursday I worked my ass off getting ready for my mom's arrival. She's staying with us this weekend while attending a training (she's a play therapist and lives in Dallas). TJ left for the airport at 5 a.m. Friday morning, and my mom arrived here around 3:00 that afternoon, then left for a dinner and meeting. She did get some time with E before she left. She's away today from 8:00 until 5:00, so it's a strange, empty Saturday, but E and I will be picking up TJ from the airport at 5:30, so that's good. Hopefully we can all go to dinner.

This morning E and I went to the park and then to Target, where I picked up some stuff to make an oatmeal box for him. (I was bored and looking for something new to do.) Someone I went to college with who I recently found on Facebook has a blog with all kinds of cool ideas of stuff to do with your family/kids, and this was one of them. You take a big, shallow Rubbermaid container and you fill it with oatmeal and various cups and vessels and then let your kiddo(s) go to town. I'm wondering how much of the oatmeal will end up on the kitchen floor.

TJ's trip to San Francisco was a huge success, it sounds like. He's thinks they're getting the deal. He called me last night to tell me that he's a sexy bitch, which is what you say (in his little company of three) after you've landed a new client. It's not as obnoxious as it sounds; in fact, it's pretty hilarious.

My mom cannot believe how busy E is. It's true--he's a busy guy. This morning around 7:30 she said, "So will he go down for a nap around 9:00?" I said, oh no, he doesn't go down until 1:00, and she looked at me with this stunned expression and said, "I don't think I could make it. You must be so exhausted. None of my three were ever as active as this." I said that I'm used to it and that it's probably good that I don't know any different, and she said, "Oh, that's definitely a good thing!" It was funny, and it made me feel seen and appreciated for what I'm doing, as though I'm doing something remarkable, which is not how I feel usually at all. In regular jobs you get some form of feedback, but with this you just do your thing and you live in your head and you get used to it and you get used to no one really seeing what you do. After all, what you're doing is not unique or of any economic value in our culture.

So, it was nice. This is the first time she's stayed here since E was a week old, and that wasn't a good experience at all, at all, at all, so I'm glad things are going better this time.

Can I just make it clear, by the way, that I'm not complaining about taking care of E full-time? (Which is not to say that I wouldn't hire a fabulous part-time nanny if I had the money. I might.) But. I fully and completely realize what a gift my time with him is and I could not be more thankful for it.

Beautiful Sleep, Freelancing

2009-01-11T12:58:00.004-06:00

We've had sleep the past two nights, and no fevers. What a relief. As always, when we're in the midst of something like this, it seems like it's never going to end, and then it ends and suddenly everything's fine.

Now I'm off to evaluate my to-do list while E naps. The list seems much longer than usual (the kind of stuff that takes months). I can't seem to wittle away at it no matter what I do.

I'm also pondering how to respond to an email I got from S.imon and S.chuster asking if I was still on hiatus from freelance work. I thought I was indefinitely--forever--but I'm being offered work if I want it. God knows I don't have time, but I also don't want to close the door completely. Maybe I can take on some shorter projects and do more books for middle grades and less of the older YA stuff. And perhaps I can limit the projects to proofreading only--no copyediting. Hmmm.

Two thirsty guys at the Houston airport on December 27

2009-01-09T21:37:00.003-06:00

So as not to end on a downer . . .

2009-01-09T19:21:00.009-06:00

I should note that TJ stopped working at 2:00 today to help with E. This man is such a wonderful partner at times like this, I have to say. And the fact that he works from home makes it so much easier. He and E played outside a bit, and then E deteriorated and they spent quite awhile laying on the recliner before moving to our bed, where the last I saw, E was asleep on his dad's chest. During this time I got a good long break, and when I went into our bedroom to see if they were both sleeping, I found TJ reading and E curled up next to him asleep with his fists covering his eyes. I wished I had a camera. He woke up glassy-eyed and miserable and hot, but rallied, and we actually had a nice evening full of peaceful play and takeout. Hopefully tonight will be okay.

It Continues

2009-01-09T16:10:00.006-06:00

Last night was awful as well. When will this end? It feels like we're back in the newborn stage again, where everything is hazy and you forget to eat or brush you teeth. He'll only sleep if we're holding him, wants to nurse all the time, wakes up crying when we lay him in his crib, has no routine or schedule whatsoever (and usually we have a wonderfully predictable schedule). Unlike a newborn, he can stay awake at night crying and moaning for hour upon hour upon hour. I never knew he could physically do that. He still has no other symptoms other than a fever that is fairly well controlled by Tylenol and Motrin, but creeps up to 100/101 at the end of the day. It seems obvious that he doesn't have a UTI, because his fever would be much higher and he would be screaming in agony all the time. I think? TJ and I aren't functioning very well at this point.

I'm a little peeved that the doctor immediately suggested a UTI after hearing he wasn't circumcised. UTIs in boys are very rare, and our regular ped (we saw another doctor in the practice) said he sees roughly one case every five years.

Well, I feel like this is the same old boring stuff, but we're pretty much consumed by the situation at the moment. At least we're getting lots of snuggle time. I spend half the time savoring that and half the time about to freak out and needing a break.

I just want our old routine back. And for my boy to feel well again.

Worst Night Ever

2009-01-08T12:36:00.002-06:00

Ever, ever, ever. Last night. Tonight can't be as bad, can it? A baby has to sleep sometime, right? But that's what I thought last night. I took him to the doctor this morning and they don't know what's going on. Since then his fever has gone up. The doc asked if E was circumcised and I said no, and she then brought up the possibility of a UTI, which freaked me out, because it's difficult to diagnosis for one thing (very hard to get a urine sample), and also, one of E's friends had a terrible UTI last summer and it was extremely traumatic. He had to be catheterized. Shudder.

I hope it's something else.
If only he could tell us where it hurts.

A pitiful state, big-kid shoes, and wine time

2009-01-07T19:32:00.005-06:00

My poor boy. He has been having such a hard time. He spent much of yesterday crying and wanting to nurse (I'm sore), and then last night was just awful. We haven't had a night like that since his first tooth came in last spring, or since the first night at TJ's parents' house in Florida last March. Last night he was so uncomfortable he couldn't even lay his head down on our shoulders. He kept trying, but then would shudder and whimper and try a different position. He has one more molar left as well as his canines, which I keep hearing are the worst, so maybe that's it? His other molars hurt coming in, but not like this. He couldn't eat lunch today (he put a few pieces of cinnamon raisin bread in his mouth but was crying too hard to chew), and at co-op this morning he didn't touch his snack, which is unheard of.

In the meantime, his face has several scrapes and bruises from various falls, and the runny nose continues. Yesterday I put big-kid shoes on him for the first time, since his Robeez were wet, and he's walking very well in them. I figure I should retire the Robeez for a while so that he can get used to the hard soles. He screams when I put them on, but then is fine. I wonder if babies get blisters?

We had a great but brief visit with my grandmother on Saturday. That's the way it goes these days as a result of E's schedule. We got there a little after 4:00, played out back and visited until 5:00, then walked over to Ruth's house (Nana's best friend) for Wine Time. We've heard many a tale of Wine Time, but hadn't ever experienced it first hand. It's a hoot. There's a group of six or seven women, mostly in their eighties, all widows save one, who gather at each other's homes (they rotate) every day at 5:00. They sit around gabbing and drinking a ton of wine. They oooh'd and ahhh'd over E but didn't let him distract them too much, and they kept telling me to chill out and sit down and drink some wine--meanwhile he's wandering around Ruth's house, which is full of breakables and things to bash his head on. It was funny.

Nana is still cancer free, I'm happy to report, but remains on the chemo regimen for a bit longer. It really takes it out of her, but she's doing great overall.

Well, it sounds like E's up. It looks like it's going to be another long night . . .

The first Saturday of 2009

2009-01-03T14:03:00.006-06:00

I've been in a sort of manic tizzy the past couple of days. In love with E, in love with TJ, wanting to clean and rearrange our house, decorate, landscape the backyard, make resolutions, exercise and meditate, have another baby, buy a whole new wardrobe, get a haircut, write thank-yous, just plain write, make various appointments, cook healthy food, put away holidays decorations, finish E's baby album, learn how to use our new camera, go on a diet, eat obsessively. I don't know what's gotten into me.

Squeaky came home on Wednesday. They hadn't been able to get her to eat (other than through a syringe), but she started to eat once she was home. No more vomiting, and no diagnosis as to what made her so sick in the first place. The emergency vet recommends we get an abdominal ultrasound, but we're going to wait on that as long as she seems fine. It was a very expensive vet bill, but our Squeak is back. She's been extra snuggly and attached. She may have a UTI; we're still waiting for the results of her culture.

Here she is, shortly after coming home.

We went to my parents' house in San Antonio on Monday morning and came back late Wednesday afternoon. We had a nice visit, and E especially had a blast playing in the backyard with Grandma and Pops. He's been a basketcase since then (starting with the last day we were there, when he woke up at 4:00 a.m. and never went back down). Teething is such a bitch. There is nothing I wouldn't give him at times like this, but he wants things that he simply can't have, like a carton full of milk without the top on. When he sees me return the milk to the fridge, he becomes completely hysterical and can't be soothed. The only thing that comforts him (aside from the ultimate: nursing) is going outside. It's his new thing. He says, "Sss, ssss, sss" for "outside." I took him out Friday morning and he ended up falling on the sidewalk and scraping his cheek and the tender skin between his upper lip and nose. It was pitiful, especially because he has a runny nose and the neverending river of snot was flowing right over the scraped skin, and I had to keep wiping it. I ended up nursing him after that because he was just beside himself.

There is so much I could say about our time in San Antonio, not to mention our PA trip, but I doubt I'll get a chance.

I'm working on moving this blog over to Wordpress, by the way. I'm excited about the change.

Well, E's up, which means it's time for us to leave for Wimberley to see my grandmother . . .

A few photos from the holidays

2009-01-03T09:10:00.004-06:00

The day before we left for PA.

E and his cousin Julia

Breakfast at the Egg & I in San Antonio on December 31

Home from PA

2008-12-28T16:02:00.004-06:00

We got home yesterday after a grueling twelve hours of traveling, and had to immediately take Squeaky to an emergency clinic. She's there now, hooked up to an IV. Our sweet kitty. She started throwing up on Thursday while we were gone. The neighbor who was watching her for us called and said she had thrown up several times but was eating and seemed fine. We decided to wait and see if she stopped throwing up, but she continued. On Friday she wasn't doing well at all, but we were coming home the next day and felt like our neighbor couldn't handle taking Squeaky in (nor did she seem to want to). It's a huge challenge getting her in the carrier and we wouldn't wish it on anyone. But we didn't know until we got home that Squeaky hadn't eaten in two days and hadn't even come downstairs. She had vomited in pretty much every room, some rooms multiple times. She was very, very sick and weak.

Eight hundred dollars later, we know that she has an irritated GI tract, probably from something she swallowed. Her intestines are bunched up and there's gas trapped inside, and she's dehydrated from vomiting. The hope is that she'll pass whatever she swallowed with the help of fluids; otherwise she'll need surgery, which we cannot afford. We've been waiting to hear from the clinic all day, and are not happy that it's now 4:00 and we haven't heard anything. We called around 11 a.m. and they said they'd call us back with an update. Waiting . . .

E, in the meantime, has had a rough day. It's hard adjusting to being back home, and he's beyond exhausted. I don't think we've ever seen him this tired. This morning he cried and cried, and we couldn't figure out what was wrong. We think he was just tired out and readjusting. He took a short nap this morning and has been asleep for a loooong time this afternoon.

The past week has ushered in several fun new developments in the world of E. As of this morning, he points to his tummy and pats it when you ask where his tummy is. We discovered this when he was crying for no apparent reason and I said to TJ, "Do you think his tummy hurts?" And he looked at us meaningfully and then down at his tummy and started patting it. In the Houston airport yesterday, he covered his eyes with his hands and played peekaboo for the first time. It might just be the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. Meanwhile, on our trip he started signing "all done" when he finished a meal, and he also started saying "cup." It sounds more like he's swallowing his tongue when he says it ("gop"), but that's what he's saying. Let's see, he cut two teeth in the past week as well, including a molar, and he started to dance, really dance. He and his two-year-old cousin did a lot of dancing.

These are all sort of predictable skills and definitely boring for anyone else to hear about, but for us it's magical--in a way I bet is different for a second or third child. Not that subsequent children's milestones are any less fun, especially since every child is so unique, but . . . I just suspect it's different. I was thinking about this on our trip, observing TJ's sister's family. They have a two-year-old and a five-month-old. More about this later. I'll also be posting some pictures from our trip. I only took about a million.

Hard Decisions

2008-12-22T08:05:00.002-06:00

We've decided not to take Squeaky in this morning after all. We're positive the blood didn't come from her rearend, and she's eating normally and acting completely normal. I think she sneezed and the blood came from her mouth? It hasn't happened since. Also, the two places I called this morning were booked in terms of boarders. We could've gotten her looked at, but she couldn't have stayed. I hate the thought of leaving her like this. I'm going to worry about her the whole time we're gone. But I don't know what else to do. Hopefully everything will be fine in the next six days, and we can assess the situation when we get back and take her to the doctor then if we need to.

Squeaky, Leaving, the Rebel

2008-12-21T22:28:00.003-06:00

About to go to bed. We're leaving at 11:00 in the morning for the airport. But first we'll be calling a vet up the road (we never found a new vet when we bought this house), because we think Squeaky might have a kidney infection. Or something. We have found two blood stains--sprays of blood, really--that I realized today are from her. It's unclear where on her body the blood is coming from, but her mouth doesn't look bloody. Neither does her rear, but surely it's coming from there? My poor Squeak. Sweet girl. I always feel terrible leaving her anyway, and now it looks like we may be boarding her, which will be incredibly traumatic for her. (Just going to the vet will traumatize her in a huge way.)

I could go on about things, but it's late and I've got to sleep.

There are things we're looking forward to on this trip, like seeing Keltie and meeting our new nephew Owen (he's six months) and watching E play with his cousin Julia (Owen's big sister who's two), but I think at this point we're a bit freaked out about how E will react to having his schedule turned on its head, what he'll be like on the plane, what will happen if we encounter serious delays, how he'll do in the hotel room, and just the logistics of things like feeding him (dinnertime tomorrow will take place midair). These are our concerns, condensed. It will be stressful, in part because it's completely unpredictable, but I think it'll be okay once we're actually doing it. It will be an adventure, anyway!

Oh, I almost forgot: TJ and I exchanged gifts yesterday, and he totally shocked me by getting me the camera I've been dying to have but didn't think I'd get for years and years, if ever. It's the C.anon Rebel Xsi. I'd mentioned it in an email to him a year ago or so, and he found the email and went out and bought it. I could not believe it! It's not cheap, either. He's crazy. We don't get each other expensive gifts usually. Oh, but it's beautiful. We're taking it on the trip, so I'll post pictures when we get back. Hopefully I'll figure out how to work it between now and then.

Happy holidays . . .

Lists

2008-12-18T18:35:00.005-06:00

My friend Keltie emailed a couple of days ago and said (she's so great), "Are you panicked about flying and the holidays and TJ's family and Christ, just getting ready for it all with Eamon? I would be. I would be making lists in my head for days and days."

Yes! That's what I'm doing! Last night I went out and bought toys for the plane trips. Lots of toys. They'll be E's Christmas presents, way more than he would get if we weren't traveling. He'll get some on the way there and some on the way back, and then he'll have presents from relatives on Christmas Day (not that it will matter to him since he doesn't understand Christmas yet).

We're staying with Keltie in Philly on Monday night since our flight gets in late and our hotel (near TJ's sister's house) is two hours away. I'm so excited to see Kel and for her to meet E, but I'm bummed that we won't get to meet her baby girl, Ellie, who is four weeks older than E. She'll already be in the DC area with her dad, maximizing time with grandparents.

We're also spending our last night in PA at Keltie's house, but she won't be there at that point. It's wonderful to not have to stay in a hotel for two of the nights, and to be somewhere that's set up for a baby.

There are so many details to think about, and I haven't thought them through completely yet because I've had my hands full being sick, taking care of E, and trying to finish Christmas shopping (which is actually a much easier task this year since we're only doing gifts for TJ's six nieces and nephews and my five [counting my sister-in-law] siblings). I felt horrible earlier today but am feeling better now. It's too boring to get into. I'm bored of being sick and talking about being sick and I'd like it to be over soon. I'm missing a co-op meeting tonight because of it, and I really needed to be there.

Time to get the pizza out of the oven.

The Ick, and Tales of E

2008-12-16T14:04:00.006-06:00

The picture at the top of this blog is so old and summery. It's time for an update. After the holidays sometime. Maybe I'll move to Wordpress. I've wanted to for a while, but just haven't taken the time. (Same goes for email, incidentally. I have a gmail account and I swear I'm going to start using it as my primary account one of these years.)

Anyway. So. I'm still sick. Day six. I guess I haven't mentioned on here that TJ came down with the cold last Friday and was in bed until Sunday. My throat continued to hurt like a bitch all day Saturday, and then I started to feel a lot worse that night when E and I were at a holiday gathering at Catherine and Shannon's house. Sunday TJ and I both felt rotten. I've continued to deteriorate since then (I now sound like a swamp monster), and TJ's gotten better (thank god). In the meantime, the cold seems to have bypassed E (knock on wood). His nose is runny and he's temperamental and fussy, but it seems to be related to teething (molar #2 is just about through). His night sleep hasn't been interrupted, and I know it would be if his throat were hurting.

E has never spent so much time at home (no playground yesterday, no co-op today, no anything on Sunday), and he's done great, all things considered. He's sporting two fat lips currently, however. Top and bottom, opposite sides. Bloody pajama tops accompanied both incidents. Luckily we had popsicles on hand specifically for this purpose--something we learned from the accident that sent us to the ER a couple of months ago. The first fall related to the coffee table and the second was just one of those where he's walking along and then suddenly face plants. It's always so sad, and yet he recovers remarkably quickly.

Being sick has affected everything, and I find it endlessly frustrating. The past three weekends have ended up being shot (illness only responsible for this past one), and that has greatly compromised our state of readiness for the holidays. I had so much to do this week, and it's not getting done. Period. I was stressed out enough about our trip (we leave Monday) without feeling hopelessly behind. I'm working on letting things go and just doing what I can and not feeling like a big loser, but this does not come naturally to me.

I left the house with E this morning for the first time since Saturday, determined to get some groceries for at least the next couple of days. We've been doing takeout. I got the next closest thing--rotisserie chicken for tonight and a frozen pizza for tomorrow. This caused me to reflect on our diet. We used to eat a frozen pizza once every week or two, but we haven't had one in about six months--ever since we changed our diet. But in the past couple of months, we've gotten lazy and started eating pasta and bread again, not being careful with what we order in restaurants, and I've gained the four or five pounds back that I'd lost this summer (seemingly all in my belly). It's actually kinda cool in a way to see such a direct connection. Hopefully we can get back on track after the holidays.

E, in the meantime, is a heartstopping delight. A challenge at times, but always a delight. There's no other word for it. He's walking very well--very fast!--and bending his knees more when he walks. He's very into putting lids onto their respective objects, or otherwise taking two halves of something and making it whole. Catherine's little brother passed down his Mega Blocks cars to E, and E loves them. He brings them to us to have us take them apart, and then he tries to put them back together. He's also still into balls and stacking blocks. He recently figured out how to turn a light switch on and off, and we often stand at the bank of switches at the bottom of the stairs. He flicks them up and down and twists with surprise every time a light comes on or goes off. He also loves books, and brings them to us to read to him over and over. He especially loves the DK board books about colors, opposites, and times of day. We read My First Colors Board Book many, many times each day, and I point to the pictures of objects that are familiar to him--bananas, rubber ducks, grapes, dog, cat. And songs; we sing songs every day.

He has a fiery, fiery temperament, and screeches at the drop of a hat from frustration or anger. He's single-minded about his desires. He adores Squeaky with all his heart, and is often good about giving her gentle pets, though their interactions require close supervision. At the end of the day, around 4:00 or 5:00, he wants me to hold him while I go about preparing dinner or changing out the laundry. I oblige until my left arm protests emphatically, probably somewhere around the half hour mark. At times I'll put him in the Ergo, but he's not as content there.

I love the feeling of his small, solid body in my arms.

He's understanding more and more of what we say, and he's starting to imitate sounds a bit more. If I tell him we're going to the park, he'll say, "pa." He also seems to be saying "book," though it's hard to distinguish from "ball." Just tonight (I started this earlier but am finishing it in the evening), I was holding him and stirring a pot on the stove and he reached for it and I said, "Hot, hot!" He responded by pursing his lips and blowing out in short bursts, like I do when I blow on his food. We got the biggest kick out of this, seeing as how we had no idea he connected the two.

One last little E story, boring to everyone except my future self and perhaps E's future self or his children: Sometimes when we're downstairs, I'll be at the kitchen sink washing dishes, and I'll realize it's gotten quiet. I'll start walking through the living room, calling E's name, even though I'm pretty sure where he is. Sure enough, I always find him standing inside the darkened bathroom with a huge grin on his face, practically wringing his hands in anticipation, waiting to be caught. He never puts his hands in the toilet anymore--he knows he's not supposed to, so instead he just stands by the toilet and waits.

And there you have a spontaneous summary of fourteen-month-old E, who has just woken from his nap.

Be gone, snot! (That sounds much cheerier than I feel.)

E, slightly blurry and oh so sweet

2008-12-15T21:08:00.002-06:00

Domestic Disturbances

2008-12-13T13:18:00.002-06:00

Fascinating column by Judith Warner in the NYT on Friday about emotional emeshment between parents and children.
You can find it here.

Not Allergies

2008-12-12T13:44:00.002-06:00

As I felt progressively worse last night, it slowly dawned on me that this was more than allergies. Sure enough, I had a little fever hovering around 100. And boy did I feel awful. TJ and E took me to the doctor this morning. It probably wasn't a necessary trip, but I wanted to rule out strep, what with it being a Friday and my throat feeling like I couldn't swallow solid food very well. It looks like it's just your average cold, though. TJ has been wonderful--he took the day off and has basically waited on me hand and foot and taken care of E. He put him down for his nap today for the first time in months. I wish I were better at accepting his help like this without feeling guilty or uncomfortable. It's ridiculous considering the amount of time I've spent recently batting away small resentments and wishing he took more initiative around here. As always, I'm good at shooting myself in the foot. In any case, he has been VERY sweet to me today. I should get sick more often!

Allergies, and the sign for milk

2008-12-11T14:03:00.002-06:00

Woke up this morning feeling like an anvil had been dropped on my head. At first I was afraid I was coming down with a cold, but I've since realized that it's allergies. Cedar, I think. Eamon woke up with a runny nose as well. My headache is gone now, but my throat has gotten worse. Damn you, allergies.

I'm pleased to report that E has made his first sign. The sign for milk. In retrospect, we can see that he's been making it for a while now, but we thought he was randomly waving hello in his high chair. No, the poor kid was trying to communicate that he wanted some milk. How confusing for him: He would sign milk and we would respond by waving enthusiastically and saying "Hi!" But we've got it all sorted out now, and I have to say it was exhilarating to communicate with him at lunchtime in this way. Now if he could only figure out "more," that would truly make a big difference.

Cat food cans are perfect for stacking

2008-12-10T21:03:00.003-06:00

The First Two Weeks

2008-12-07T18:24:00.005-06:00

I went out by myself today to do a little Christmas shopping, and in the car on the way there I could feel the hormonal heaviness of this month's cycle settling around my shoulders. It wasn't so bad; the world just seemed kinda gray and without taste. All day I've been trying to find something I wanted to eat but nothing appealed to me. I had a brief flashback in the car to the way I felt after E was born. It was really nothing like how I felt today; I was at peace, in general, today. But this afternoon's food blah-ness reminded me just a tad of those days. I am so frightened at the thought of ever feeling that way again.

I remember going to the doctor to get my incision checked when E was twelve days old. It was a Friday morning. We'd been home from the hospital seven days. My OB's nurse, who I'd always found abrasive and demeaning (I've since switched practices), fixed me with this look and asked me in so many words if I had post-partum depression. I said I had no idea, but that I loved my baby. For some reason I wanted her to know that I loved him. Looking back, I would say the love I was talking about was more of a fierce protectiveness, closely related to fear, but I didn't know that then, because I didn't have the love I feel now to compare it to. She told me that the amount of weight I'd lost since the birth--twenty-eight pounds--was a red flag. She asked if I was eating, and I hated having to say no. I couldn't eat, not without gagging. I knew I needed to eat, especially given the surgery and blood loss I was recovering from, not to mention the fact that I was desperately trying to breastfeed. But I could not for the life of me eat. To say I had no appetite would be an understatement. This was new to me. My dad called me the human garbage disposal growing up, and not much has changed in that regard. The nurse asked how I was doing emotionally, if I was crying a lot. Um, yes, I was crying a lot. A LOT. I didn't exactly tell her this, although I did admit to being emotional. I told her, feebly, that I'd read that baby blues could last up to two weeks, and I pointed out somewhat desperately that I wasn't quite to the end of those two weeks yet. She stared at me silently, straight through my skull, and I stared back, aware that my eyes weren't able to hide the fear and panic that had me in their grip. I was hardly breathing, trying to keep from crying or showing any sign that I might be about to cry. She told me how important it was to catch PPD early, and encouraged me to call back the following week if I wasn't feeling better. I thanked her in as cheerful a manner as I could fake, and made it halfway across the waiting room to TJ (and tiny E) before starting to sob.

To this day I can't say for sure if I had PPD. I suppose I didn't, technically, because things did start to turn around after the two-week mark passed, but I also feel certain that what I experienced was not just the baby blues. I believe I looked PPD in the eye and ultimately escaped it for various reasons. I'll never forget the way it felt, the way the hours and days stretched ahead of me like a death sentence. The way I couldn't sleep even though I was far, far past the point of total exhaustion. I've never felt so unlike myself, so incapable, so fearful. I remember telling TJ day after day that something was wrong with me, that I knew this was not normal, that I could not go on like this. I have such sympathy for anyone who's felt this way for months on end. I can't imagine. Those two weeks were an eternity.

I remember when I got myself back (however minimally). It was Monday; E was fifteen days old. Fifteen days: it sounds like nothing now. A blip of time. But it felt, and feels, so much more significant than that. Following a talk with my parents and TJ the night before, I realized the next day, Monday, that the dark, dark veil had been lifted from my eyes overnight, and some measure of equilibrium seemed to have been restored in the immediate world. I was still exhausted and weak and overwhelmed, but I didn't feel mentally ill. I could see the top of the mountain. I could see my perfect boy, and I was nursing him and he was finally starting to latch on, and I was saved.

Poor Toothy Dada, Tired Grouchy Mama

2008-12-06T18:58:00.005-06:00

TJ's doing really well. He hasn't had any paid medication since Thursday night, after he threw up (I gave him an anti-nausea pill after that). His stomach was funky last night as well, probably from the antibiotic. His mouth is achy and a bit swollen, but overall he's doing amazingly. He's actually worked quite a bit yesterday and today, which I found a bit irritating, to be honest. I mean, if you're well enough to work, you're well enough to help with the baby. Right? I've been on solo baby duty pretty much since he left for Fargo the Friday before last, and I'm not going to lie: I'm tired and a bit burned out. Today I was bothered by the fact that all the Eamon-related duties seem to fall to me by default lately. If I get a break, it's a black and white thing. For instance, TJ will watch him specifically so I can get dressed or check email. It feels very regimented and constrained. But if we're all together, I'm the one entertaining, supervising, feeding, changing, doing naptime, and so on, while TJ sits back and relaxes. On the one hand, I don't care. I'm used to it, and I love being with Eamon. But on the other hand, Mama could use some help, and she doesn't always want to have to ask.

But we had a talk about this stuff today, and it was good. I know I'm being a bit of a hardass. I mean, the guy just had four teeth yanked out of his head two days ago. And he's usually wonderfully involved in Eamon tasks. He gets up with him in the morning (after I nurse him) and feeds him breakfast and does kitchen stuff while I do my thing upstairs, and he bathes him at night and reads to him. And there's other stuff. It's just the past couple of weeks that I've been doing it ALL, and that brought us to today. I also know that part of my issue has to do with needing to be seen and appreciated (both when it comes to childcare and also when it comes to housekeeping, which I'm constantly doing).

Oh, did I mention that I have a touch of the ol' PMS? At least I think I do. Lovely.

Go, go, go, and a DVD player

2008-12-06T12:57:00.003-06:00

Yesterday morning E and I met a high school friend of mine and her 16-month-old daughter at the Children's Museum. We'd planned to meet at Zilker Park, but it was too cold out. Neither of us had been to the museum, so it was the perfect place to meet, although it made for a very high energy outing. Little Alayna had her arms wrapped around her mom's leg, looking all around, or she'd hold her mom's hand while tentatively exploring the loud, crowded room. Even when she went off by herself, she never strayed far from her mama. My guy, on the other hand (who's two months younger), was a whirling dervish. He never stopped moving; he walked anywhere and everywhere, eyes wide, arms and legs pumping, smiling and waving at any stranger who caught his eye. Off he'd go across the room, into the next room, down a hallway, up a ramp, back down the ramp, etc. He never looked back. Anytime I picked him up to move him back to a central location, he threw his arms up in the air and arched his back. He had places to go! It was amazing to see the difference in Alayna and E's personalities. Alayna is such a sweet girl. I just kept staring at her, watching her take it all in, observing the intimate way she communicated with her mom. Part of me is full of pride that my boy is often so confident and secure and outgoing (he's not always, but in this setting he was). I love his energy and his drive and the fountain of happiness that pours out of him when he bonds with someone he's just met. But I have to say that I've noticed it's a lot more work keeping up with a guy like E! Or maybe that's not a fair thing to say. I guess what I mean is that it takes a different kind of energy. He keeps me on my toes, this one. It's been incredible seeing how much he's changed just in the past month. The number of pictures I took of him last month dropped dramatically, and I think that's directly related to the fact that he's always moving, and I'm always moving with him or after him or trying to keep up with the trail of destruction he leaves in his wake. I've also noticed that I almost never talk on the phone anymore.

Given his need for motion and his aversion to being held or contained for long, TJ and I have started to dread and worry about the upcoming plane rides to and from Pennsylvania. We plan to buy some new toys to introduce on the plane, but we both know that's not going to cut it. So, today we bit the bullet and bought a portable DVD player. I know, I know. And who knows if it will even hold E's attention. We don't let him watch tv at home, but we're going to make an exception for these plane rides and hope it buys us some time. I suppose it will be good to have in the arsenal, especially if we encounter horrible delays as we have in the past over Christmas. (I cannot imagine.) TJ, by the way, began geeking out the minute we got the DVD player home. He'll be able to take it with him when he travels for work, which is nice, and it can also act as our home DVD player (it hooks up to a TV) when the crappy used one we bought six years ago on EBay finally dies.

A Banner Day for Personal Upkeep

2008-12-05T12:58:00.000-06:00

Started this earlier in the week . . .

Tuesday was a good day. E did well at co-op, and I spent an hour shopping at Book People and Whole Foods while he was there (and still got back a half hour early in case he was getting tired). That hour of shopping did wonders for me. I can't recall the last time I felt so light and inner focused, yet connected to the larger world, just wandering around, looking at books, picking out a new desk calendar, looking for a birthday gift for someone. Then at Whole Foods, I found a waxing kit. Up until now, I've driven to a salon all the way in South Austin to get a bikini wax every, oh, two months or more. When E was little I just took him with me, but then he became too mobile, and since then it's turned into this big hairy deal (groan, the pun; totally not intended), whereby I have to go on a Saturday and have TJ look after E, etc. And it costs close to $40 with tip. I haven't been in months (oh dear), and it's an important ritual for me. It gives me a boost of confidence and leaves me feeling human and kept up. I wish I could just shave, but that doesn't work for me--my skin doesn't handle it well. Anyway. I bought a waxing kit for $11.99, and it worked beautifully. It was positively liberating to take control over this matter of personal hygiene, to no longer have to rearrange my schedule and shell out a chunk of money to have someone else do this intimate and unpleasant task. Now I can do it myself, at home, anytime I need to.

Later Tuesday evening, after I put E down, I went to the outlets to return some shoes I'd gotten him that he refused to walk in, and while I was there it occurred to me that I should buy some new bras. I've mostly still been wearing my yellowed, ratty nursing bras. They're C cups (or B? I can't remember), and my now shrunken breasts swim in the soft fabric cups. It looks gross, and I'm not getting any support. My old bras are mostly padded, and they appear to be too large now as well--I'm smaller than I was before I got pregnant. I wonder if this is common? I discovered Tuesday night that I'm not even an A anymore, which surprised me. When I stare at myself in the mirror, I don't even recognize my chest. My breasts look sad and used up, to be frank. That said, I'm trying to embrace their new smallness. With the help of a kind salesperson, I found three bras, all on sale, very plain (not much to choose from), but they have a wonderfully close fit and it felt good to take care of myself in this way. I highly recommend it--not always neglecting yourself. Even if you're tired and you don't feel like going out at night (which is how I always feel), just do it every now and then. Now that I've done it once, I plan to do it again . . . after I neglect something else for a few months, of course.

What a Day

2008-12-04T14:43:00.010-06:00

I started this earlier today.

TJ had four teeth extracted this morning. He had bone grafts on three of the sockets, which I only mention because it sounds so hardcore to me. In any case, we'd both been dreading this day, and I'd been stressing out about the childcare aspect of it. I had a hard time finding a sitter, but everything worked out at the last minute. E had a great time with Kat, who he's met several times before. She takes care of another baby in our '07 group. She stayed after I brought TJ home so I could go fill his numerous prescriptions and get him medicated before the numbness wore off.

He's now in bed with an ice pack, and Eamon is starting to stir from his nap. I think I'll take him to a park this afternoon since he hasn't been out today yet.

I didn't get much sleep last night (maybe four hours), but I've been in a kind of manic overdrive all day, so it hasn't mattered. I plan to make some potato leek soup after E's in bed. Last night was very windy--a cold front moved in--and our bedroom wall was creaking this horrible creak that never fails to drive me insane. Sometime after midnight I moved into the guest room/my office and slept fitfully in there until E woke up . . . at 5:15. I let TJ sleep in until after 8:00 because he wasn't supposed to have any food or liquid before his appointment, and I figured sleeping in would make that easier. It made for a helluva long morning for me and E, though.

It's sad seeing TJ in the position of "patient." That's a category I've been in many times in our relationship, but the tables have rarely (never, in fact) been turned. I went back with him for the pre-op stuff this morning, and it was unsettling to see the big guy laying there with tubes coming out every which way and a mask on his face. Vulnerable. I'm glad we're all home now. E and I are going to pick up Luby's for dinner. It's close by, and they have lots of soft foods that TJ can eat. Hopefully the next forty-eight hours will go by quickly.

One thing I've discovered is that being the caretaker is much preferable to being the patient. That's obvious, but has never felt so obvious to me. It sucks being the one who is in pain, who has to rest, who's doped up and out of it, who can't eat certain things, etc., while those around you are chowing down on burritos or enjoying some wine or whatever.

And now it's the evening and time to make that soup. I can't wait for bed.

5 AM Explosion of Poo

2008-12-01T14:22:00.003-06:00

We were all up at 5:00 this morning dealing with the poo to end all poos. (Actually, I'm sure we're in for worse down the road, but this was pretty insane.) It covered E's back all the way to the top, and then went down his arms part way. This is the third morning he's woken up in the 5:00 range with a nasty, nasty poo. After a bath and much nursing and rocking, he went back to sleep (miracle!) from 6:20 to 7:15. He had diarrhea later in the morning. He's had diarrhea for days, and I do still believe it's teething related. But the poor boy. I cannot keep giving him Tylenol and Motrin at this rate.

p.s. TJ's home!

Love at the end of a long weekend

2008-11-30T20:09:00.005-06:00

We had an unexpectedly lovely end to the evening tonight. Nothing special happened, we just ended up spending quite awhile stacking blocks together before bathtime. The house was quiet and still. I sat there watching my boy concentrate as hard as he could, holding his breath as he focused on gingerly setting one more block atop an already teetering tower of blocks. Later, in the bath, I marveled anew at the sweetness of his body, his round belly (which he pats vigorously with both hands whenever his shirt is off) and the soft fuzz that trails down his back. There is nothing more precious to me than that little body. Nothing.

My guys

2008-11-30T20:07:00.003-06:00

Friday, November 21

2008-11-30T20:04:00.002-06:00

Swinging at Shipe while Dada flew to Fargo the day after Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Recap

2008-11-30T14:07:00.004-06:00

We spent Thanksgiving in Wimberley with my grandmother and uncle and his family. It was a nice enough day, though exhausting with E. TJ left for a wedding in Grand Forks, North Dakota, early Friday morning. He gets back tonight around midnight (unless there are delays in Denver, in which case he won't get home until tomorrow). We've stayed as busy as possible the past three days, but there's still been lots of time to kill. E's teething woes continue. He's had diarrhea every day, and his little bum hurts and is quite red. He's had a hard time staying happy for more than a few minutes at a time.

On Friday my mom and stepdad and sisters stopped by on their way to Wimberley. My sister Lauren hadn't seen E since he was three months old. He put on quite a show for them--going from one skill to the next (stacking blocks, rolling balls, spinning tops, and so on) and clapping and smiling and giving big hugs. It was adorable, and they were all beside themselves at the insane cuteness. We all went out for coffee and then they left to go on to Wimberley from there.

Saturday morning we went over to Catherine and Shannon's for breakfast. It was Catherine's birthday. Shannon's sister and niece were in town visiting from CA, so we saw them too. I was excited to give Catherine her gifts: We got her an immersion blender (we recently got one as well), and I made her a word bouquet using a pretty little brown vase and strips of card stock. I had her family and friends send me at least ten things that they love and admire about her, so there were around eighty strips when all was said and done. E was having a very hard time yesterday morning, and I would've liked to present it to her in a more ideal setting, but that wasn't to be. In any case, she cried and seemed very touched, and I was glad. We left soon after that, and then the babysitter came in the afternoon and I drove down to San Marcos for my mom's concert, which went well. I longed to spend more time with my sisters, who both live in New York and who I rarely see together, but I felt like I needed to get home. After the performance, I took the girls to get coffee and we talked for a few minutes before I hit the road. They're funny, those two. More about them later (I hope).

This morning my mom and stepdad stopped by on their way out of town (after dropping my sisters at the airport), and we went to breakfast, then E and I went to church. After he wakes up from his nap I'm going to take him to the outlet mall to get some shoes. The one pair he has are falling apart. I traced his feet earlier, so hopefully that will make the outing less painful.

Wow. This is the driest, most boring post ever. Guess that's all I've got in me right now. And it's just as well, because I hear the monkey stirring.

2008-11-25T22:32:00.005-06:00

One of my fellow Austin Mama co-op moms, Cheri, took this picture today. She's a photographer. Those are some gigantic front teeth, huh?

Miserable Night and an Explosion of Poo

2008-11-25T22:07:00.002-06:00

Last night was horrific. It's been a long time since we've had a night like that. Nursing was the one and only thing that soothed him. I nursed and nursed and nursed. If he wasn't nursing he was screaming hysterically, didn't want to be rocked, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be in his bed or anywhere. And this was with Motrin. I think he's gotta be working on several teeth at once. Poor monkey.

He hung in at co-op this morning, thanks to the brilliant suggestion by one of the moms that we should have an Ergo on hand at co-op every week. One of the moms on duty today wore him and he fell asleep for ten or fifteen minutes and awoke a new man.

He was fussy and clingy and irritable the rest of the day, though he took a good nap, and then right before supper I looked over and saw what turned out to be poo streaking down the back legs of his pants. I carried him upstairs and peeled off his poo-stained socks and clothes to reveal a blowout of epic proportions. Really, it was staggering. Shit was immediately, inexplicably everywhere. On my hands and arms, my shirt and pants, his hands (and not just a little on his hands), all over the changing table, of course, and covering his body. I put him in the bath just like that, and then he ran around naked while I cleaned the tub before putting him back in. The cloth diaper he had on is still in the toilet. TJ heard the water running (or maybe he heard me freaking out), and he came upstairs to help after he got of the phone (it was around 5:30). I was thanking my lucky stars that he works from home.

So anyway, it was something else. We haven't experienced diarrhea as a symptom of teething before now. (At least I'm assuming that's what was going on.)

First Sitter

2008-11-23T19:17:00.006-06:00

We used our first paid babysitter this afternoon, and it went very well. She was here from 2:00 until 5:45. Eamon already knows her because she works in the nursery at the church. (I wonder if one day I can mention church in passing like this without cringing or feeling the need to justify. What can I say, I've been scarred by some crazy ass believers in the past who've made church seem like a bad word.) Anyway, we went to see the new James Bond movie this afternoon, and then to the RR Outlets where we bought E a heavy winter coat for Christmas in PA and a much less heavy coat for winter in TX, as well as a couple of long-sleeved shirts and some socks. We struck out in our search for shoes for him.

I'm relieved that today went well with the sitter, Sunny, because she's coming back next Saturday so that I can go to my mom's concert in San Marcos that afternoon. (TJ will be out of town.)

I still haven't found someone to watch E on December 4 when TJ is getting four teeth pulled. He'll be under general anesthesia for the first time in his life, and I'll need to be there with him in recovery before bringing him home and tending to him here for the rest of the day. I can leave Eamon for an hour or two at a friend's house that morning (with their toddler and nanny), but I know E won't do well there for long, and he'll need to come home for lunch and naptime anyway. In any case, I have a couple of other leads to follow up; hopefully one of them will work out. I'd ask my stepmom to take a day off of work, but she's already missed too many days. Incidentally, I'm completely freaked out about these extractions and concerned about how TJ will do with the anesthesia. It frightens me to think of the pain he'll be in. I hate this shit!

I realize I haven't been blogging much, by the way. There are some things I'd like to blog about, but I haven't for various reasons. Maybe after Thanksgiving, possibly before.

Happy Birthday to Dada

2008-11-20T13:58:00.003-06:00

It's TJ's birthday today. He's an ancient 38.

We're all three wearing the shirts he got us at Skywalker Ranch (George Lucas's compound) when he was in CA. He had to go to the ranch for work (did I mention this already?) and apparently it's amazing. Anyway, yep, all wearing the shirts today. Luckily, they aren't the same shirt. But still. Dorks.

Yesterday as we pulled around the corner of our street to come home, E started shouting, "Da-da-da! Da-da! Da-da-da!" He definitely knows who Dada is.

Sixth Tooth, Hanging with Renee, "Dada"

2008-11-15T13:30:00.006-06:00

Eamon has a sixth tooth in and we didn't even know it. TJ spotted it this morning; it's in the back on the bottom. Not completely in yet, but not brand-new, either. I think he's working on another (or more) right now as well, though his nighttime sleep hasn't been interrupted, thankfully. He's a champ.

This afternoon we're taking him over to Shannon's mom's house and she's going to babysit him while we go to a movie (or do some Christmas shopping, depending on how things time out). We've never left him in a situation quite like this before--in a new place with someone he's not familiar with, so we'll see how it goes. Renee (Shannon's mom) seemed to really want to babysit him, which is how this came about. I suspect he'll be fine, especially because she has a little white dog named Lola who he's going to LOVE, and because Renee will be very attentive to him. I just hope he does well and doesn't get upset.

He's added "Dada" to his repertoire in the past few days and clearly understands what it means, though he doesn't have complete control over it yet. "Dada" joins "ball" and "ga-ga," which originally meant "Gracie" (Shannon and Catherine's dog) but has now apparently come to signify all animals, including Squeaky.

This and That

2008-11-10T13:53:00.006-06:00

We stayed at Catherine and Shannon's house for three nights last week, including election night. It sure was nice to have their company. Catherine cooked dinner for us all and Eamon got a chance to spend time with his beloved aunties and their dog, Gracie, who he's nuts for. E did wonderfully at night--he slept through and never woke before 6:00, even with the time change. I was in a funk for much of the week, but grateful to be spending time with my bffs.

Catherine took this picture of us at Zilker Park last Wednesday afternoon.

We picked TJ up at the airport Friday evening, oh happy day. What a relief to have him home. I finally slept well that night.

On Saturday evening I drove to San Antonio to have dinner with two of my college English professors, who were in town for a conference. They were the same as ever, brilliant and kind and unique and beautiful. I hadn't seen either of them in years, and I've been doing a lot of thinking since then.

Saturday afternoon TJ and E went to check the mail (we have a neighborhood bank of mailboxes around the corner), and TJ accidentally left his keys on top of the mailboxes. Some guy we've never met found them and apparently deduced which house was ours by the types of car keys on the key ring. At 6:30 on Sunday morning, he rang the doorbell (which we didn't hear) and then came into our house while we slept to return the keys. Um, creepy! He left them on the floor in an envelope with a very odd note. At my insistence, we have since had the locks changed and an alarm system installed. Better to be safe than sorry. And it will give me peace of mind when TJ's away, as he will be in two weeks.

On Sunday, Catherine and Shannon came over and babysat E while TJ and I had brunch at the Eastside Cafe (using a gift certificate they'd given us for E's birthday to celebrate our first year as parents--aren't they the best?).

What else . . .
We've had some difficulty with co-op the past couple of weeks, but hopefully things will be better from here on out.

Seems like I had a lot more to catch up on, but I think I'll leave it at this for now. This week has been busy, and my to-do list is seemingly neverending. That time of year, I think.

p.s. I'm completely, madly, desperately in love with my son right now. I don't know if I've mentioned on here that recently I was bemoaning the fact that he's not a cuddler, but in any case, he's been proving me wrong the past few weeks. Snuggly guy. Full of love. Can't get enough (me, that is). I remember wishing I could bottle him up at seven months, but this age kicks ass, even with the emerging tantrums and food throwing and infinitely soft, infinitely stinky poos. He's walking, he's starting to talk, he's discovering, he's expressing himself, he's responding to language, he's sleeping well. I can hardly believe this little guy is real.

I should also probably mention that the stuff with my family is resolved, or as resolved as it can be, and we're all moving forward as best we can. I think we'll be seeing my parents sometime soon. They are desperate to see E (they've yet to see him walk), and I want him to see his Grandma and Pops as well.

It really happened. Are you pinching yourself like I am?!

2008-11-05T10:24:00.004-06:00

President-Elect Obama.
The moment when he and his family walked out on stage last night will stay with me forever.
Beautiful.
Hopeful.
Change.
Finally.
Maybe eight years of Bush was worth it to get to this point. Is that possible?

More later . . . no time now.

It's gotta go to Obama, right?

2008-11-03T09:47:00.002-06:00

Tell me there's no way McCain's gonna win this.
I'm suddenly very scared, listening to the news.

Out of Sorts

2008-11-02T20:05:00.005-06:00

Things started feeling weird around 3:30. For one thing, the time change suddenly became very noticeable. It felt more like 5:30. But it wasn't. Luckily, I had the Triangle outing in mind, and it turned out to be just the thing. I turned the fountain on (there weren't any other kids there) and E played in the water cautiously for the few minutes it was on, but he was really more interested in throwing his balls across the bricklaid ground and crawling after them. We also played in the grass and watched dogs for a while. He had a blast, and was on the move constantly the whole time we were there. I was gratified thinking of all the energy he was getting out. Here are a couple of pictures I took to send TJ. I also took a video that I find hilarious but that I think would be too boring to most people to post.

Now I'm sitting in what feels like a cavernously empty house and trying not to feel too strange. I usually love the rare night I get to myself at home, but tonight isn't one of those nights. TJ's presence makes this place feel so warm and full and balanced; without him there's a gaping hole. This isn't news to me, but I'm acutely aware of it tonight, I think partly because of the distance I feel from my family. And because we've been so content at home lately in our routines with E, and so delighted by him. Every night, without fail, we end up talking about how funny he is, how beautiful, how crazy--freaking crazy--we are about him. I always go in before bed and put a hand on him to feel him breathing, and when I come back to our room TJ asks me what position he was in, and I tell him, and then we talk about how insanely cute it is, whether he was on his back or his side or whatever. It's all insanely cute.

TJ might as well be on another planet right now from where I sit. He's in San Francisco with good friends who are also his business partners, and his brother is there, too, on business, and some other friends he used to work with in DC. He's staying in a nice hotel, is out to dinner tonight, and has plans every night. I can't really imagine, and it doesn't sound like we'll get to talk all that much. But I'm looking forward to spending time with Catherine and Shannon, and to other things like getting to the bottom of the laundry hamper and having it stay that way for longer than a day.

Not So Bad

2008-11-02T14:01:00.004-06:00

Today has been better so far than I expected. I think it was good that we took TJ to the airport; I don't know why, but it feels a lot better than saying good-bye to him at home. This was the first time we've done that; it would've been a waste of money to pay for parking for six days, obviously.

We came home and had a snack and played and then went to church, where I had a hard time staying focused. I picked E up from the nursery before the service ended (since it was way past lunch and naptime on his clock) and we came home to eat. Now he's napping. He's been teething with a vengeance for the past day and a half, so I gave him some Tylenol before putting him down because he was chewing on his hands nonstop, drooling, and has a runny nose.

I have to admit I'm stressed about how the nights will go away from home (mainly because of the teething and our dependence on rocking and the fact that we don't nurse at night anymore, although I'm sure I'll end up doing exactly that). Last night he was up from 3:30 to 4:30. I rocked him twice and TJ once; in between there was hysterical crying. Anyway, I guess we'll see. The good thing is that after he finally stayed down he slept until 6:30 (7:30 according to the old time). Whew.

Last night we went to dinner at Mandola's at the Triangle, and saw the fountain they have there. It's way better than the one at the Domain, and I plan on taking E back to play in it later this afternoon. He desperately wanted to last night, but we just weren't equipped to deal with a soaking wet boy. I was happy to discover something new that we could come back to today.

You'd think TJ was going off to Iraq for a year from the way I've been dreading this trip. It's ridiculous, really. I tend to get anxious about things like this, sometimes more and sometimes less. Now that it's started, I feel almost relieved, and today has been nice in a way. I knew it would be a solitary day, and I guess my mood adapted. Eamon plays so well by himself now, and I've just been doing some housework and laundry and playing with him in between as usual.

It's becoming more and more clear that he's saying the word "ball." When he says it, it sounds more like "buh," but he says it when looking at his toy balls and when he's holding them (which is pretty much 24/7). He is a funny, funny guy.

I can't believe the election is only two days away. God! I think I'd be obsessing about it more if this weren't such an unusual week for us and I wasn't already so preoccupied. But it's incredibly exciting and incredibly nerve-wracking, and I just pray it's a landslide. It really does feel like Obama is our country's only hope, to the point that it might as well be written in the stars. If only that's true.

Pffffft

2008-11-01T15:06:00.005-05:00

I'm so depressed that TJ's going out of town. We're taking him to the airport at 8:30 tomorrow morning. The fact that it's a Sunday feels worse to me for some reason. We have plenty of things planned to keep us occupied over the next week while he's gone, but tomorrow will be a long day, and I know it's going to be an exhausting week. Oh well. Sorry for the pity party.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T21:37:00.004-05:00

Some Stuff from Today

2008-10-29T12:45:00.004-05:00

We baked a spinach and ricotta pie last night that '07 mama Beth recommended (it's from the Moosewood Cookbook). I fed it to E for lunch today and he LOVED it. I'm so pleased.

We went back to the Children's Research Lab at UT this morning to participate in another study. This one was about music and involved E sitting on my lap (theoretically) and watching a screen and listening to the same classical melody being played by different instruments. E had more important things to do, though. There was a room to explore and of course we'd arrived with balls in each hand, which needed to be dropped and rolled and recaptured over and over again. We gave it a go three times before giving up. I can't say I blame him--the music they were playing wasn't turned up very loudly, and it was boring, at least for a thirteen-month-old who's used to rocking out to Laurie Berkner and the Biscuit Brothers and Putumayo's African Dreamland cd.

On our way there, we got pulled over on the highway. I can't remember the last time I was pulled over. I was shocked to discover that our inspection on the VW had been due in May. May! How in the world we missed that, I have no idea. The police officer was nice, which is a rarity in my experience. In any case, after UT, we went and had the car inspected.

Later this afternoon we have our playdate with Kay and Jonas. We're at their house this week. I'm looking forward to it, especially because it's such a beautiful day. Hopefully we can spend some time outside. They have a lovely backyard.

TJ leaves on Sunday for six days, five nights--right when Daylight Saving Time hits, which means E will be waking up an hour earlier than usual. Brutal. I meant to start adjusting his schedule slowly, but that hasn't worked out very well. We're going to stay with Catherine and Shannon for three nights next week, so that'll be nice.

As for the situation with my family, I was able to get in to see my childhood therapist, Susan, last week. I saw her from age 9 to 18 and I adore her. It was such a relief to be able to talk to her, especially because she already knows my family background. She advised me on how to proceed and validated a lot of what I've been feeling. I wrote my parents a letter on Sunday night. I haven't heard back from them yet. My stomach is constantly in knots, but part of me does feel better having written them. I have no idea how they'll respond or what the future looks like for all of us. Susan suggested that I keep some distance for a while, and that's my inclination as well, but it makes me so sad at the same time.

2008-10-28T21:12:00.005-05:00

Eamon, after you went to bed tonight, we carved a couple of pumpkins.
The one on the right reminds us of you. Something about the mouth . . .

Balls, Balls, Balls

2008-10-28T15:04:00.008-05:00

E is addicted to these balls. He carries one in each hand everywhere he goes. Occasionally one will get away and he'll go crawling after it with the other one still clutched in his hand. Crawl, thunk, crawl, thunk, crawl, thunk. He's like a pirate with a wooden leg.

We have a game we play in the living room where we station ourselves at opposite ends of the coffee table and roll the balls back and forth to each other. He always catches the balls (which he finds hilarious), and he does a fairly good job at rolling them back to me. Pretty impressive, if you ask me.

Brrrrr (Finally), and Voting

2008-10-27T21:47:00.007-05:00

We went to Zilker Park this morning and then in the afternoon TJ came with us to vote. I have to say it felt pretty great to cast a vote for Barack Obama. Got me all teary.

Paging All Budding Walkers

2008-10-21T15:20:00.004-05:00

From his reaction, you'd think this was his first encounter with the paging feature on the phone, but it's more like the hundredth. Playing with the home phone is his number one favorite game these days. We're surprised the phone has hung on this long for all the abuse it takes.

TJ took this video early this morning when he was up with E.

Upside Down

2008-10-21T13:24:00.004-05:00

We had a lovely time on Saturday at Catherine and Shannon’s house blessing, and we hung out for a while afterwards with C & S and S’s mom. We stayed past E’s bedtime, and when we got home it was dark and there was a car parked outside of our house. Turns out my parents had driven up from San Antonio and were waiting for us to get home. We weren’t expecting this at all (they hadn't called to tell us they were coming or to ask if it was a good time) and my stomach was turning somersaults as I got E ready for bed, nursed him, put him down, fed Squeaky, etc. (TJ was entertaining my folks while I did all this.) I knew as soon as I saw them that they had come to tell us about what was going on with Gwen’s family. Whatever it was seemed to have something to do with our family as well.

After scrambling to finish the evening chores and trying to get my head around the surprise of them showing up like that, TJ and I sat down with them and they proceeded to tell us what was going on. The conversation that followed was more awful than I can describe. We didn’t fight—it wasn’t like that--and besides, I was in shock and have only slowly begun to process what happened. It was just terrible. I’m sorry to have to be so vague, but this stuff is not for blogs.

I’m trying to figure out where to go from here and how to move forward. I fear that my family will never be the same, and I question my parents’ handling of the situation (to put it mildly). I’m trying to get in to see a counselor as soon as possible so that I can get an objective, professional opinion on how to respond and deal with what I'm feeling. In the meantime, I’m sort of clinging to TJ and Eamon for dear life. I’m so grateful to have them. And thank God tomorrow night is the night I’m going over to Catherine and Shannon’s for one of our girls' dinners. They have already been so supportive, of course. I think we’ll be spending Thanksgiving with them this year instead of with my family.

So . . . just sitting here, sad and anxious and angry and thinking what a relief it is to have E to take care of and laugh with and love in the midst of something like this.

2008-10-20T20:13:00.000-05:00

Status Report: Twelve Months

2008-10-16T13:40:00.016-05:00

It's amazing that twelve months ago, give or take, E looked like this.

And here he is today, a big standing guy.

I took him to his twelve-month check-up this morning (he turned one on September 30). He weighed 24 pounds 11 ounces and measured 30 inches tall. Those measurements apparently fall in the 60th to 75th percentile range, and his head circumference landed around the 80th percentile.

In the waiting room, I noticed something in his hair that I thought was dried food or snot at first, only to discover that he has cradle cap on the top of his head. For some reason, uncovering the peeling, flaky, orangey expanse of dry scalp hidden under his sweet blond locks gave me the willies. The timing of the discovery couldn't have been more perfect, though. The doc told us some stuff to do, so we'll see if it works.

I only had a couple of questions going in. The first had to do with whether I might be raising a Motrin addict. I just feel like I'm constantly doling out the Motrin. The doc said once a day is okay when it's needed, and giving it a break every now and then is a good thing. Our Motrin use runs in spurts, so I was relieved to hear this. E's fifth tooth is in as of yesterday or the day before, so that was cool to see.

My other question had to do with food (surprise, surprise, toddlerhood). I haven't had a chance to post about it, but I just don't feel like we've got the food thing down. It seems like Eamon eats the same four meals (actually more like two now) over and over again, and in the meantime he's getting pickier and pickier. (So predictable, I know.) He flat-out refuses to feed himself fruits or vegetables. He won't touch them; the texture freaks him out. We're still able to feed him some veggies and fruit out of jars in between bites of regular food, but I don't expect that to last much longer. Right now, the main meals he eats are peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with Pirate's Booty and black bean & cheese quesadillas (and this week we thought to add spinach--and he ate it!). He used to eat tortilla with hummus, but now he won't touch hummus. Last night I couldn't bear to give him another quesadilla, so I tried heating up leftovers from our dinner the night before: baked pesto chicken and rice and peas. He surprised me by going nuts over the chicken, and he spit the rice and peas out. (He used to just refuse things; now he spits them out.) I was ecstatic over the chicken. Up until now he wouldn't eat chicken. He's also stopped eating avocado and bananas. He loves cubed cheese and cottage cheese; he's a dairy man in general. Frozen veggie burgers used to be popular: no mas. We've gotta find some other things that he'll eat, although the doc said not to worry about this stuff. He said E's sensitivity to texture is completely normal and that on average toddlers only eat one spoonful of food per meal, and then every seventh meal or so they eat a ton. Worrying about it will just make you neurotic, he said. I didn't tell him I already had that covered.

It would probably be best to all eat together, and to feed him whatever we're eating, but I just don't see that happening right now. He eats at 5:30 or 6:00, and there's just no way we can have dinner ready by then. Maybe at some point.

While I'm at it, here's a (hopefully quick) rundown on life with E as of late. On average, he goes down at 7 p.m. and wakes up at 6 a.m. (today it was 5:00, woohoo). We haven't had any night wakings in awhile, not since we cut out that one feeding. Actually, that's not completely true. He often wakes up once or twice between 7:00 and 11:00. Frequently, he puts himself back to sleep without us having to go in, but if he wakes up more than twice, it's usually because he's teething, and at that point I give him Motrin and rock him for a song or two. He goes down for his nap between noon and 1:00 and is usually up by 2:00. He often sleeps for an hour and a half, sometimes an hour or less, and sometimes (more rarely) for two hours.

He nurses three times a day: morning, before nap, and before bed. He's had a runny nose for the past week and has sometimes been too congested to nurse before nap, so on those days he's nursed after nap, and hasn't had a problem going down for his nap without nursing. I'm toying with the idea of cutting out the midday nursing, or rather seeing what happens if I don't offer it. There are days he wants to nurse for comfort, and I oblige. This happens maybe once a week. It happened last week in the middle of our playdate with Kay and Jonas. He came over to me and asked to nurse by moaning and leaning into me and grabbing at my shirt and biting/sucking on my arm. He nursed for a few minutes and then pulled off and resumed playing with Jonas, as though all was right in the world again.

He's starting to take steps but isn't walking yet. He spends a lot of time going from sitting to standing without holding on to anything, and then he stands and balances and grins and bounces and squeals and claps. We've noticed that he understands certain things we say: "Are you ready to go?" "Where's Squeaky?" That kind of thing. It's an amazing feeling to see him start to comprehend language.

In the past week he's learned how to hold his sippy cup by himself, and he seems to be enjoying the independence this offers. We now put his cup on his highchair tray during meals, and he stops eating very frequently to drink, which I find hilarious.

He loves social outings and is no shrinking violet. This is a constant source of wonder and discovery for me--watching him with other people, seeing the energy and happiness he gets from connecting with adults, bigger kids, and to a lesser (or different) extent, other babies. He thrives on it. He feels such joy, he could just burst.

This past Tuesday was my first time working at the co-op, and it was fascinating for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was seeing E's response to my taking care of other babies. One baby had a hard time when his mama left, and he needed to be held for a while. Eamon did not like that one bit. In fact, the other mom on duty had to comfort him while I was holding the other baby. It cracked me up because it seemed so unlike E (at least to date; then again we've never been in this situation before). A similar thing happened when I changed another boy's poopy diaper. E crawled over and clung to my leg, moaning dramatically the whole time. It was pretty funny.

It's amazing how intense and exhausting two hours with a group of little ones can be. I had a good time getting to know the other five babes better. They are all so different (natch), and so funny and sweet. The ages range from 12 months (E) to 17 months. This whole co-op thing rocks, I must say.

Well, I started this post during naptime today, and now it's evening and time to wind things down. Maybe I'll add a few more things tomorrow (as if this post weren't long enough).

So what that my hair's a frizzy disaster: It's raining!

2008-10-15T14:03:00.003-05:00

Seems like we've had quite a bit of rain over the past couple of days. It's wonderful, despite how sticky and humid everything is. I'm positively salivating at the thought of the cooler air that's supposedly coming behind the rain.

I had a whole list of things to post about, but it looks like I waited too long to start. E's awake. He napped for an hour and a half, which happens quite often these days. I'll take it.

More later, perhaps . . .

First Steps?!?! And a visit from Uncle Angus.

2008-10-13T20:02:00.006-05:00

Yep, E took his first steps tonight! I hesitate to say so because it happened only once and it was right before he had his bath and went to bed (so it feels like we imagined it), but TJ and I were both standing right there, and he took three whole steps before sitting down. It was a bit like when he started crawling; it just happened. Pretty cool. (I am insanely excited and can't really say why; just a proud mama.) He seemed tickled as well, and started clapping his hands as soon as he sat down from taking the steps. I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow. I hope I can get it on video; we tried tonight but no dice.

In other news today, my little brother called this morning (he had the day off from school) and he had some time to kill between dentist/orthodontist appointments, so he came up here to hang out with us for a few hours. It was completely unexpected and wonderful. It meant a lot, because he's busy with his senior year of high school and we don't see him much. So it was fun, and TJ made us all lunch and hung out with us some too.

I found out from Angus today, and from subsequent conversations with my parents (dad and stepmom), that some weird stuff is going on with my stepmom's family. I don't know what it is yet; my parents want to wait to tell us (me and TJ and my siblings) until we're face to face. Scary. I've been very worried about Gwen lately but haven't had a chance to post about it. My stomach is in knots now, but I don't know how long it will be until we find out what's going on, so I'm going to just try not to think about it.

New Park, Almost Walking

2008-10-12T19:27:00.007-05:00

We checked out a new park today. Not sure what it's called, but it's behind the new stores off 51st Street near Mueller. It's schmancy, but lacks shade. What happened to the slightly cooler weather we'd been having? Sigh.

We aren't sure, but it seems like Eamon is getting close to walking. He's clearly thinking about it a great deal, and today he took a single step a couple of times. He also stood up (without holding on to anything) about a hundred times in a row. Hmmm. We shall see.

Stuffy Noses, Retiring to Vermont

2008-10-10T12:59:00.005-05:00

Eamon and I have allergies. At least I think that's what it is. I was miserably congested last night, and E is sporting a snot nose. More crusty than runny. (Sorry. It sounded so gross, I couldn't resist.) TJ wasn't able to get on an earlier flight after all, so it was after midnight when he got home. I had gone to bed long before after eating ramen at 9:00 p.m. (I was compelled for some reason, gotta love that sodium) and watching Law & Order. For some reason, being all congested made me feel super cozy and autumnal last night, even though I felt crappy at the same time. I took an antihistamine before turning in and it made me deliciously drowsy and out of it.

I'm so happy TJ's home. Hearing him talk about Boston and how stunning and vibrant and alive it is right now had me ready to pack our bags and sell our house. He was stuck at JFK for five hours yesterday and we were fantasizing over the phone about retiring to Vermont . . .

Home, Jealous, and Daydreaming

2008-10-09T13:18:00.005-05:00

We're home after a two-hour drive from San Antonio this morning. (I ended up having to take a different route and it took longer.) E was up the whole time, not happy to be stuck in the car, and he was going through toys at the rate of about one per thirty seconds. (I had a bag of toys next to me and handed them back to him one after another, sang songs, rolled the windows up and down.) It was a long two hours. I was sooooooooooo happy to be home, and so was he. It felt wonderful to come inside and open the windows and be back in our space. He proceeded to play on his own for a good hour or so as I carried all our gear inside and put everything away, started laundry, etc. He's napping now. He has a little bit of a runny nose, and after lunch he broke out in an intense rash on his lower face, something that's never happened to him before. I'm not sure what it's from--food, I assume, but what? I think the runny nose is allergies, which I've realized is what's going on with me as well.

It sounds like TJ has been having the time of his life in New England. He says it's breathtakingly beautiful (they've been in Vermont and New Hampshire mostly), their meetings have been awesome, they've had great dinners in rustic VT homes, and last night they (TJ, his business partner and friend Alice, and two of their clients who sound more like friends) ended up at an open mic night, and he borrowed someone's guitar and played four of his own songs. He (and I, for that matter, but mostly he) used to play at open mic nights in DC, but he hasn't played at one in three or four years. He had a blast. This morning their meeting in Boston was canceled, so when I spoke to him briefly earlier, he and Alice were in Cambridge Square (I think?) looking for a coffee shop. It's been a long time since he visited Boston, and I know it brought back a lot of memories. (He lived there for three years after college.) In any case, he isn't scheduled to land in Austin until midnight, but he just called and said he'd gotten on an earlier flight to New York. So it's possible that he'll get home a couple hours earlier tonight (I hope!), but we'll just have to wait and see.

Is it awful that I'm jealous of all the fun he's been having? I mean, I'm glad he's gotten away a few times over the past six months and had a chance to cut loose and do his own thing, because I think that's important, but, well . . . actually, I think I'll stop here because I'm about to start whining and sounding like a two-year-old. It's just that his description of the last three days sounds like HEAVEN to me. I think I also envy his ability to live in the moment and leave Eamon behind without obsessing and feeling guilty and conflicted. He misses E like crazy, but not to the point that he can't enjoy a few days away from him, whereas in my case, as much as I'd love a weekend away (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE), I hate the thought of leaving Eamon overnight way, way more. It's kinda sick, I suppose. Or maybe not--he's only one, for God's sake. We're still nursing. But anyway, I actually have my sights pinned on my ten-year college reunion next May as a time that I can go off by myself and refuel. I never thought I'd go, and there are certain things about it that don't interest me at all, but I find myself thinking about it at least once a day. Weird. Maybe I should mention that I went to a small liberal arts women's college near the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, and I was not at all ready to leave when I graduated. I was in love with the place more passionately than I've ever loved anything, I would say (baby and husband aside; it's a different kind of love). So, yeah, I'm looking forward to going back, taking long walks, remembering, reconnecting.

Looking Back to Now

2008-10-08T15:09:00.004-05:00

Sitting in my parents' quiet, cluttered house while E naps . . . realizing that I'll look back on this time of our life as pretty damn sweet. Today hasn't been anything special--in fact it's been long and a bit lonely so far--but nevertheless, I have a hunch I'll look back on this time with Eamon with gratitude and nostalgia, and will marvel at the ease of our days together. Even though the days don't always feel easy while we're living them, in the grand scheme of it all, compared to how things could be, easy is exactly what this is.

All Was Fine, Of Course

2008-10-07T13:03:00.005-05:00

I got to the church a half hour early and peeked in the room (the kids were outside playing) and I saw a sheet that had everyone's contact info, so I went and sat in the car for the remainder of the time. Eamon had fun--they said he was easy and mellow and had three helpings at snack time (no surprise there). It's time to get him some shoes, though. I've been meaning to do this, and I've found the ones I want to order (from Etsy), so I think I'll do that now. The mamas on duty mentioned that he needed some for when they go outside, which I hadn't thought of. (E's four months younger than the youngest baby in the co-op, and I think he's the only one who's not walking yet.)

I'm going to order his shoes from here.

Time to fold clothes and get stuff done while he naps . . .

Alone and Feeling Strange

2008-10-07T10:17:00.002-05:00

I'm at Central Market right now. Alone. On a weekday morning. How cool is that? It's very cool, but also very odd. Eamon is at the co-op we've just started with a few other '07 Austin Mamas. It meets Tuesday mornings from 9:30 to 11:30. There was a meeting last week where the parents and babies hung out in the playroom (we're renting a room at the UU Church) and discussed logistics, but E had a fever, so we couldn't go. I know I should just be enjoying myself right now, but I feel uneasy, mostly because I'm not sure if today's hosts have my cell phone number. One of the mamas (who's not on duty today) collected contact info and whatnot over email, and I sent mine in, but I don't know if she gave it to today's mamas or what. So I feel nervous, but not nervous enough to drive over there and waste my precious alone time. Is that reckless of me? I think I'll just leave here a bit early. It *is* nice to have a break this morning (it feels crazy!!!!!), especially because TJ is at the airport right now, flying to Boston/Vermont, returning around midnight on Thursday. And I'm getting over a sore throat/cold.

Tomorrow morning E and I are driving to San Antonio to spend the night at my parents' house. I decided to leave first thing in the morning because I think that's the only way to ensure that he naps there in the afternoon. My parents and little brother Angus will get home from work/school around 4:30 or 5:00. They'll only have about two hours of Eamon-time, but I think that'll still be worth the production of going. We'll come back here Thursday morning after stopping by my dad and Angus's school (Alamo Heights), and then Thursday afternoon we have a playdate with Kay and Jonas.

Wow, time is passing very slowly here . . . I hope E is okay. He is, right? I'm sure he is. Maybe I should go over and make sure they have my number. What if he fell and bashed his head open? What would they do?

Squeaky killed her fourth vole this morning. That's right, four in one week. She must've found their nest or whatever it's called. So far we've just been flinging them over the back fence, which seemed fine for the first two, but the image of a bunch of scattered dead voles back there is pretty gross. I'm surprised we can't smell them.

Eamon is getting better and better at stacking blocks. It's pretty cool. He works so hard at it.

In other news, I've been very in love with TJ lately. I'm going to miss him this week.

Well, I've killed just about enough time. Hopefully in the coming weeks I'll be able to enjoy this time and focus on writing or whatever else, and not worry about E. I'm on duty next week, but the week after I'll have off. God bless the co-op!