There are all kinds of things I've been meaning to blog about, but I just don't have it in me at the moment. (Plus it's 3:30--E will surely be waking up soon. He's been napping for 2.5 hours!)
We survived Mary's visit, though I did flee to the bathroom once to cry and freak out for a couple minutes. Mary sounds exactly like Mrs. Costanza on Seinfeld, and I've decided that something about the way her voice sounds makes it hard to get outright angry at her. She comes across as sweet and sincere even while being offensive and grating. I believe her heart is in the right place, but it's a lot to take: the poor listening skills, the constant, BLATANT interrupting and talking over you, the repeating of stories over and over and over again, the cleaning directions and advice (while I'm cleaning), the non-stop chatter about sales and sweepstakes and money. TJ just kinda checks out, either leaves the room or literally doesn't respond to her. And that means it falls to me, the polite daughter-in-law, to listen and respond attentively at all times (there's rarely silence) and make sure she's comfortable. Thankfully, there were no fights this time. Even when she said something about how "all Asian people make their kids take piano lessons," TJ kept his cool. And she didn't badmouth Obama or quote Rush Limbaugh, amazingly. He definitely would've lost his shit then.
Her food addiction, as usual, was sad to witness. She talks incessantly about calories and diets and losing weight and wanting to eat healthy food, and none of it means anything. It's to the point that she can't be on her feet for long at all, and she has a terrible cough left over from the walking pneumonia she had last fall and this winter. She and I went to Target one afternoon, and on our way back to the car she told me excitedly that she'd picked out a special treat for us to share in the car before we got home. It was a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars, I kid you not. Only 100 calories! It broke my heart.
Anyway, we're going to Florida in July to visit them (TJ's dad stayed home this time), and I'm pretty optimistic that it'll be a good trip. They will *love* having E there, and he'll have fun in their pool. We can get a direct flight, and they're set up well for babies, and it will be nice not to have to worry about meals and keeping house for a few days.
I had other things I wanted to mention, but it's now after 8:00 p.m. and I need to stop. I'll just quickly add that TJ and I went out on a date Saturday night for the first time in months, and a sitter put E down for the first time in, well, ever. That was really the point of our going out--we're working up to the weekend my friend gets married in June. I was a nervous wreck for no reason, of course. He went down just fine. But I hate leaving him. It's to the point that I have a hard time thinking of anything else or enjoying myself. It feels a bit desperate and unhealthy and makes me wonder if I have any identity left apart from who I am with him.
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I can relate to your last comment about being so obsessed with your child and feeling like you don't have an identity outside of being mama. I've felt that way in the recent past, not so much now while I'm spending so much time job hunting, but within the last month for sure.
I hope you find the time and space you need to just be yourself and regain a grasp on who you are beyond E's mama.
Also, I'm amazed at how much easier it's been to leave Petunia with people lately. Some of it is her maturity level and comfort with other people. Some of it is my comfort with our babysitters. And some of it is just getting used to it.
Hopefully it'll start to be easier for you soon.
I remember the first two times I left Petunia (once with my parents for a few hours when she was three and then with B so I could take my certification test when she was four weeks old). It felt like the most wrong thing in the world. I didn't feel complete without her. I was only mama at that time in my life. I've come a long way since then.
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