Thursday, October 9, 2008

Home, Jealous, and Daydreaming

We're home after a two-hour drive from San Antonio this morning. (I ended up having to take a different route and it took longer.) E was up the whole time, not happy to be stuck in the car, and he was going through toys at the rate of about one per thirty seconds. (I had a bag of toys next to me and handed them back to him one after another, sang songs, rolled the windows up and down.) It was a long two hours. I was sooooooooooo happy to be home, and so was he. It felt wonderful to come inside and open the windows and be back in our space. He proceeded to play on his own for a good hour or so as I carried all our gear inside and put everything away, started laundry, etc. He's napping now. He has a little bit of a runny nose, and after lunch he broke out in an intense rash on his lower face, something that's never happened to him before. I'm not sure what it's from--food, I assume, but what? I think the runny nose is allergies, which I've realized is what's going on with me as well.

It sounds like TJ has been having the time of his life in New England. He says it's breathtakingly beautiful (they've been in Vermont and New Hampshire mostly), their meetings have been awesome, they've had great dinners in rustic VT homes, and last night they (TJ, his business partner and friend Alice, and two of their clients who sound more like friends) ended up at an open mic night, and he borrowed someone's guitar and played four of his own songs. He (and I, for that matter, but mostly he) used to play at open mic nights in DC, but he hasn't played at one in three or four years. He had a blast. This morning their meeting in Boston was canceled, so when I spoke to him briefly earlier, he and Alice were in Cambridge Square (I think?) looking for a coffee shop. It's been a long time since he visited Boston, and I know it brought back a lot of memories. (He lived there for three years after college.) In any case, he isn't scheduled to land in Austin until midnight, but he just called and said he'd gotten on an earlier flight to New York. So it's possible that he'll get home a couple hours earlier tonight (I hope!), but we'll just have to wait and see.

Is it awful that I'm jealous of all the fun he's been having? I mean, I'm glad he's gotten away a few times over the past six months and had a chance to cut loose and do his own thing, because I think that's important, but, well . . . actually, I think I'll stop here because I'm about to start whining and sounding like a two-year-old. It's just that his description of the last three days sounds like HEAVEN to me. I think I also envy his ability to live in the moment and leave Eamon behind without obsessing and feeling guilty and conflicted. He misses E like crazy, but not to the point that he can't enjoy a few days away from him, whereas in my case, as much as I'd love a weekend away (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE), I hate the thought of leaving Eamon overnight way, way more. It's kinda sick, I suppose. Or maybe not--he's only one, for God's sake. We're still nursing. But anyway, I actually have my sights pinned on my ten-year college reunion next May as a time that I can go off by myself and refuel. I never thought I'd go, and there are certain things about it that don't interest me at all, but I find myself thinking about it at least once a day. Weird. Maybe I should mention that I went to a small liberal arts women's college near the Blue Ridge Mountains in Virginia. It's one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, and I was not at all ready to leave when I graduated. I was in love with the place more passionately than I've ever loved anything, I would say (baby and husband aside; it's a different kind of love). So, yeah, I'm looking forward to going back, taking long walks, remembering, reconnecting.

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