Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Third Meal and a Lament on Weaning

I added a third meal for Eamon today: breakfast. I have mixed feelings about it. My friend Heather told me that her pedi advised her to go ahead and add the third meal if she wanted to when they went in for their six-month appointment. And it seemed like Eamon was starving this morning. So I decided to try it, and he ate as much as he does when I give him solids at lunchtime and dinnertime, which is to say a lot. But I'm a little freaked out. The thought of my milk supply dropping makes me sad. The thought that this is another step towards weaning makes me sad. I know it doesn't mean he's going to be weaned anytime soon, but he will be at some point.

It reminds me of that scene in When Harry Met Sally when Sally is sitting on her bed sobbing after she finds out that her ex-boyfriend is engaged to someone else when he always said he didn't want to get married. She's crying hysterically and listing all the terrible things about herself and why no one would love her, and she ends by sobbing, "And I'm gonna be forty!" Billy Crystal says, "When?" "Someday!" she says." "In eight years," he says. She replies, "But it's out there! It's just sitting there like a big deadend!"

Anyway. I don't feel *that* dramatic about it, but it reminded me of that scene, because E is only sixth months old and here I am worrying about when he's going to wean. I worry that he'll be ready to wean before I am. :( I know that happens sometimes, and if it does I'll just have to get right with it somehow and move on. Maybe see a counselor. I think part of my attachment to breastfeeding is tied to my birth experience and the trouble we had in the beginning. I nearly killed myself making it work, and there were times I thought I'd have to give up. (I believe I'd be on anti-depressants right now if that'd happened.) The thought of feeding my baby formula in any amount felt like someone was plunging a knife through my heart. I can't really say why; it's not like I look down on anyone who goes the formula route. It could easily have been me. But it wasn't, and we made it through without supplementing (except for three times total at the start). It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I didn't think it would be easy. But it's also been such a wonderful way for us to connect and bond. It's amazing. In the beginning I told myself I didn't have to do it past three months. If we could just make it to three months. Then six. It's not that I wanted to stop, but it was the only way I could make it through in the beginning. Now I can't imagine that I'll be ready to stop at a year. But who knows.

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