A New Kind of Birthday

I don't know if it's having a baby or what, but I don't care as much about my birthday this year. Usually I have this feeling on my birthday, a sort of spark of excitement or expectation, and this desire to feel connected to the world and appreciated in some small way. I guess I still feel that way a little today, but it's different. I don't feel as special or as in need. But I don't feel un-special either. Since E's needs are the same today as any other, and my job is to fulfill them, that takes precedence over everything else, like always. It seems only natural.

The best gift I can imagine right now would be to have a couple of hours to take a bath and read magazines in bed and just do whatever I want to do. The conditions would have to be perfect for this to actually happen (child care aside). I would need to be in just the right mood. I would need to be able to relax enough to do those things and not feel guilty or driven to be productive in other areas. I would need to feel tired. And I do today! I have a pounding headache, in fact!

We don't have any plans for the day. Maybe we'll go to the Y, or to run a couple of errands. We'll definitely get out of the house. TJ is making dinner tonight, and we have some leftover summery cocktails from Saturday that we plan to enjoy. We also have a BBC mystery saved that we could watch later (if I can stay awake; it's doubtful). Yesterday Catherine and Shannon took me (and E) out to lunch at Vivo on Manor Road. We sat outside, and E held up beautifully, and we took a bunch of pictures, and they gave me a lovely gift bag full of pampering items like foot scrub and foot lotion, and a Burt's Bees facial kit, and summer slippers, and a couple of magazines. Oh, and a babysitting offer, which we're taking them up on in August. They're the Best.

But back to the fatigue. I don't know where last night came from. E woke up at 1:00. He was wet. I changed him and nursed him (I'm not ready to night-wean him yet) and put him back down. He woke up at 2:30 and cried but then went back to sleep before I went in. Then cried at 3:00 but went back to sleep. Then at 3:30 he really cried. I had the Tylenol ready to dispense when I went in. He was having none of it but I got it down him by singing to him. It was only then that I realized he was soaking wet. Again! I'd just given him Tylenol for nothing. Argh, frustrating. I wanted to reach in and suck it all back out somehow. By the time I finished changing him and putting new clothes on him, he was WIDE awake. Rather than put him down awake or get TJ to take over, I decided to try rocking him. He snuggled up and put his head right down, but took a long time to fall asleep. He lifted his head up several times and stared at me quietly, eye to eye, before putting his head back down. I rocked him forever. I was both savoring the moment and desperate to get back in bed. It was 4:15 by the time I left his room, and I was wide awake myself at that point. Didn't go back to sleep until 5:00. He woke up at 6:10; I nursed him and then got TJ up at 6:30 and went back to bed until 8:00. So I was pretty much awake from 1:00 to 5:00, which I gather is why I feel like I've been run over today.

I can't believe I just wrote all of that out. BO-RING. But I'm compelled to record it for some reason (as I'm compelled to post obsessively in general on here for some reason--that's never been the case before with other blogs and journals), so I won't delete it, since this is my blog and I promised myself I wouldn't try to impress anyone. And plus, it's my birthday.