Monday, June 30, 2008

Email from Nana

This is from an email I got from Nana last Thursday night. Her cancer is stage three, by the way.

"I think the main theme I want very much for you to internalize is that the news that I received Monday would be a great tragedy for anyone your age or the age of your Mom. I'll be 79 next month. I've said this before... we're terminal from birth. And I've certainly learned there are so many things worse than death. I'm certainly not ready to check it in... don't misunderstand... but that's just how it is. I'm going to play the hand that's been dealt. I'm planning to fight the good fight to the end, and hopefully with grace and good humor. But what will be will be."

Last Wednesday I scrolled through all 230 of the emails I've saved from her since I opened this email account. It's ridiculous, but I was actually crushed to see how few there were. I know 230 isn't few, but in my mind there were a lot more. With every word I read, I felt more panicked. There's so much more I want to hear from her. I'm not sure what exactly: wisdom and advice. Stories. Anything.

But I feel calmer now. More accepting of whatever happens. Grateful for the relationship I have with her, and all the correspondence we've shared. We're going to see her on Friday, I think, and I'm going to try to be as brave and positive as she always is. I know she expects nothing less.

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