So. Yesterday, as I mentioned, I was really moody and emotional, way more than I admitted on here. I was sobbing in the shower and so forth--ridiculous--and in general felt like this silent, terrible gulf existed between me and the rest of the world. I also felt like my breasts were completely empty, which caused me to panic. And Eamon not only didn't want to nurse, but at one point was screaming angrily when I went to nurse him, and he flat-out refused. I could tell that it wasn't because of his cold. I was so upset, and I felt like we were frustrated with each other all day. I wondered fleetingly if my cycle might be coming back, which would account for the breastfeeding changes, not to mention my mood, but I highly doubted it since it hadn't appeared yet. I figured it wouldn't for months to come, or until we weaned. Then, last night, there it was. Doh! I couldn't believe my eyes. It's been so long.
I feel like I'm in shock or mourning something in a way. It scares me to have a period again, and I can't really say why. It brings back a lot of memories. It also kind of feels like the end of E's infancy and a signal that I won't be nursing him for much longer, relatively speaking. I don't know. It's just strange. I was so wound up about it last night I had trouble falling asleep. Since then we've had some sweet nursing sessions, so maybe the milk is getting back to normal, I don't know.
Part of me does feel good (relieved?) that my cycle's back. As though it's a confirmation that everything's in working order again.
I just can't believe how empty and lifeless my breasts felt yesterday. I guess that's what it'll be like once I stop nursing? And then eventually it'll just seem normal again?
In any case, this certainly explains what was going on yesterday, and it also explains some tenderness I'd been feeling over the past week or two when I nursed him. I thought it might have something to do with his teeth, but now I realize it was hormonal.
This is the kind of post that keeps me from sharing this blog with many people (not counting the Austin Mamas)!